Tough time is when one feel unsupported
Answer doesn't come instantly when I asked for it
Perhaps,even when one tells you he or she could do anything for you
I never trust those words
Humans like us, are weak when facing our environment
One could probably never understands if they never got let down by someone they trust
After these months,I understand why we ought to learn how to forgive
Those who can truly forgive are probably those who understands human's weakness
Pride, selfishness
I tried to forgive and got tired
What let this relationship happens is because of his love at presence
And I love him
Too
Yet it's so hard to say so because I know it hurts so badly when one told you they love you and then did something probs put of their control
To hurt u
If I hurt you one day then these words would become lies
I know myself nowadays that I am also a selfish person
I wasn't afraid of getting hurt because I have strong faith in my heart
Now I am afraid, terribly afraid of putting something above my priortu
Never to expect someone for u at anytime
Because it doesn't happen in reality
But I know God is
He is real
Today again
Incredibly feeling insecure
Regretted for spitting out bitter words to make myself feel better
Each time
When I am
Doing this
The inside of me seemed to lead me on to say more to destroy this relationship
I wanted to go back to the old days
The old self seemed to be stronger than I am now
I don't think I am doing fine
Feeling regretted to spit bitter words to make myself feel better
I feel regretted
The inside me seemed to lead me on to destroy this relationship
It's tough times to think I am alone
As time goes on,it gets bitter and bitter
The problem is as time goes on I began to carry this out all alone
At the beginning
I know how to share the load with God
And don't know since when
I began to do this all alone an think I can do better
Unconsciously thinking I could handle this and I can share 'other' things with him
Forgotten He is part of my life
I thought I could do this
And realized there's only so little one can do
I thought I could be tough
When I look at this relationship, how much more
Harm can I do to it?
Sometimes it almost feels like the end of it
I realized my love is conditional
And not a good example of His greatest love
When seeing the limit and the end of human's conditional love
Made me
Once again look upon His unconditional love
Our concept puts us to think that we need to have sometime to trade for love
To get in position to beloved
I am so stupid
I have accepted the greatest gift already
The greatest love of all
In days to come I got
To remind myself every so often when I started to feel weak
To remind myself once again
Who gave up His precious life for me so that however awful I feel
There is still faith hope
And love
I probably can understand
What makes me uncomfortable is knowing what he's been through but I haven't
Yet I always thought till this point,I am the only one who is still trapped
The truth is it's not just about understanding weakness
It's about forgiving even u don't understand
I tried and I get tired
Because knowing someone u love who once seemed didn't love you
Is a horrible feeling
It's might be easier to move on without this feeling
Yet what let this happens is because his love at presence
And I love him
Too
But I fear to say this out often
C
2011年12月27日 星期二
2011年12月22日 星期四
sensitive
it's a sensitive timing,
sensitive place
Sensitive old passages of blogs
I dislike that place
I dislike the smell,the touch everything
I dislike Cheung jau,
I dislike central that closed bar
I dislike empty words
I dislike you pulling me to the place that left me a huge scar in my life
If taking me back to that place is for your convenience,for u to work smoothly
I don't know anymore what I mean to you
You said you care about all sort of little things
I am sorry
You don't know me,you just don't
Perhaps now,you won't even remember te existence of this blog
You aren't the you in march.
We both changed
Not sure,
If
For good
sensitive place
Sensitive old passages of blogs
I dislike that place
I dislike the smell,the touch everything
I dislike Cheung jau,
I dislike central that closed bar
I dislike empty words
I dislike you pulling me to the place that left me a huge scar in my life
If taking me back to that place is for your convenience,for u to work smoothly
I don't know anymore what I mean to you
You said you care about all sort of little things
I am sorry
You don't know me,you just don't
Perhaps now,you won't even remember te existence of this blog
You aren't the you in march.
We both changed
Not sure,
If
For good
2011年11月26日 星期六
Releasing
It feels so good to be back in close relationship with God.
Though at the beginning, I almost felt leading worship and bible study could be a burden.
I didnt know how to squeeze anymore time out of such tight schedules,
but God you really are amazing, there are only so much we could do but you made us complete, made us as a whole.
As I read more about Jonah, the sharing time with my dear Sis Tracy, and the practice worship time with the brothers and sisters, God I see how you want us to build this close fellowship with each other, by encouraging and praying for each other, in your name.
I am glad and grateful that I could be part of your great plan Lord.
At certain points, I have doubts whether I could really lead the bible study when I physically havent sorted out my problems yet.
At first, I only see the connection of how Jonah and I were both rebellious against your decision.
I didnt understand how You could have compassion on those who doesnt even respect or treasure your grace.
I hated it that God you love those people I hated,
those who I thought took away my happiness forever
But you reminded me such valuable message, more important than the school work that I worried about, is the personal problems which I have been dealing with since so long ago.
From back than I decided to forgive, to struggling about not able to forgive and
I focus on the things I cared most. I see purity as something physical, but God you have compassion on those who turned away from sins, and changes in their life.
I proudly thought I am the one who got hurt, got scared.
But I was the one who didnt have compassion, not even for the one I thought I love.
I thought I love him
I thought I know what is best for him
I thought I do anything to meet what I considered to be perfect.
Yet you reminded me, I am also the one who needs to be forgiven, upon all the horrible words I ever spitted on people
Even I thought I am not the qualified one, you need not to use me, but you still willing to let me experience all these so I can come back to you.
Father, I laid on my bed once again, thought about the hard times when I woke up in mid-nights, in tears, at those time, even I was alone, I knew you were with me, I felt your arms embraced me.
So because I am already previledged to have your love, and you showed me eternity, faith, hope and love
I asked myself today, am I willing to take my things that could hurt me?
I couldnt help but tears already filled up my eyes
Father if only again, because you are with me, the pain that are yet to come, I am willing to take them all because I have you. If taking the pain means bringing blessings to the others , then please do so.
God, the tears I had ,each drop represented the very deep regret from the bottom of my heart
regretted I didnt love people like the way you do
yet they were joyful tears as God you brought me through all these and now I stand before you with the ones I love.
Lord, I am willing to wait, in order to be restored.
I once only cared about how to not forgive people easily, how to achieve the "fairness"
I focused on school work, I prayed for u to physically solve my problems.
But you know me so well, those problems are not the fundamental things I need to be healed.
It's myself, the pride, the grief, the hatre I had for a stranger
The blames I had on my currently loved one
Thank you today you took me to release all these in front of you
and Lord, I pray today,
Be patient, be wise
Be close to you
be faithful, be hopeful
and most importantly, be a loving person
that's meaning more than I think it is.
Father, thank you, for all the things I have, not because I am righteous cos I am not
yet you are Love.
Though at the beginning, I almost felt leading worship and bible study could be a burden.
I didnt know how to squeeze anymore time out of such tight schedules,
but God you really are amazing, there are only so much we could do but you made us complete, made us as a whole.
As I read more about Jonah, the sharing time with my dear Sis Tracy, and the practice worship time with the brothers and sisters, God I see how you want us to build this close fellowship with each other, by encouraging and praying for each other, in your name.
I am glad and grateful that I could be part of your great plan Lord.
At certain points, I have doubts whether I could really lead the bible study when I physically havent sorted out my problems yet.
At first, I only see the connection of how Jonah and I were both rebellious against your decision.
I didnt understand how You could have compassion on those who doesnt even respect or treasure your grace.
I hated it that God you love those people I hated,
those who I thought took away my happiness forever
But you reminded me such valuable message, more important than the school work that I worried about, is the personal problems which I have been dealing with since so long ago.
From back than I decided to forgive, to struggling about not able to forgive and
I focus on the things I cared most. I see purity as something physical, but God you have compassion on those who turned away from sins, and changes in their life.
I proudly thought I am the one who got hurt, got scared.
But I was the one who didnt have compassion, not even for the one I thought I love.
I thought I love him
I thought I know what is best for him
I thought I do anything to meet what I considered to be perfect.
Yet you reminded me, I am also the one who needs to be forgiven, upon all the horrible words I ever spitted on people
Even I thought I am not the qualified one, you need not to use me, but you still willing to let me experience all these so I can come back to you.
Father, I laid on my bed once again, thought about the hard times when I woke up in mid-nights, in tears, at those time, even I was alone, I knew you were with me, I felt your arms embraced me.
So because I am already previledged to have your love, and you showed me eternity, faith, hope and love
I asked myself today, am I willing to take my things that could hurt me?
I couldnt help but tears already filled up my eyes
Father if only again, because you are with me, the pain that are yet to come, I am willing to take them all because I have you. If taking the pain means bringing blessings to the others , then please do so.
God, the tears I had ,each drop represented the very deep regret from the bottom of my heart
regretted I didnt love people like the way you do
yet they were joyful tears as God you brought me through all these and now I stand before you with the ones I love.
Lord, I am willing to wait, in order to be restored.
I once only cared about how to not forgive people easily, how to achieve the "fairness"
I focused on school work, I prayed for u to physically solve my problems.
But you know me so well, those problems are not the fundamental things I need to be healed.
It's myself, the pride, the grief, the hatre I had for a stranger
The blames I had on my currently loved one
Thank you today you took me to release all these in front of you
and Lord, I pray today,
Be patient, be wise
Be close to you
be faithful, be hopeful
and most importantly, be a loving person
that's meaning more than I think it is.
Father, thank you, for all the things I have, not because I am righteous cos I am not
yet you are Love.
2011年11月20日 星期日
2011年11月11日 星期五
Not so easily to be forgiven and certainly not so easily to be forgotten
It's again one of those moments
I really start to think I should have already got used to it
It's bothering me
I don't understand,the more you love,the more forgiving you can be
The more you hate, the less forgiving one can be
It doesnt make sense now when I find it harder and harder to forgive when I m more in love
I wish someone could take my memory away
I wish I can start things over
It's frustrating when I believe I should be living free of the restrictions and value what god values
What people seems to concern or value bring constraints,
It either puts you in situation that u see no values in yourself compares to the others
It gives you doubts
The moment not sure how to deal with the pain,
I prayEd,
I miss year 1
Missing those times when both Of us so innocent
When we have so clear goals in mind
Pure Love and holiness
That's what we are after
But once I finally met my first love
The reality makes me feel
The feeling is not purely love
It comes with a mixture of things which I don't like
Including pride, jealousy, selfishness
After nearly a year now
I havent been able to completely forgive and forget what happened between the two
And
I havent been able to forgive myself of no bein able to let these go
Can't forgivE myself not able tO do what I hav promised god
Not able to forgive me not bEing able to glorify him
I am constantly living and loving with fear
That onE day; these feelings these actions
Will separate us, forever
It's true
Sins separate all relationship
That's why Jesus died for us to show the unconditional love
I really do understand
But god? This is my struggle more than anything else
There Are always problems hidden that doesn't want to be touched
Cos knowing once touched will cause another argument
We flight
I really start to think I should have already got used to it
It's bothering me
I don't understand,the more you love,the more forgiving you can be
The more you hate, the less forgiving one can be
It doesnt make sense now when I find it harder and harder to forgive when I m more in love
I wish someone could take my memory away
I wish I can start things over
It's frustrating when I believe I should be living free of the restrictions and value what god values
What people seems to concern or value bring constraints,
It either puts you in situation that u see no values in yourself compares to the others
It gives you doubts
The moment not sure how to deal with the pain,
I prayEd,
I miss year 1
Missing those times when both Of us so innocent
When we have so clear goals in mind
Pure Love and holiness
That's what we are after
But once I finally met my first love
The reality makes me feel
The feeling is not purely love
It comes with a mixture of things which I don't like
Including pride, jealousy, selfishness
After nearly a year now
I havent been able to completely forgive and forget what happened between the two
And
I havent been able to forgive myself of no bein able to let these go
Can't forgivE myself not able tO do what I hav promised god
Not able to forgive me not bEing able to glorify him
I am constantly living and loving with fear
That onE day; these feelings these actions
Will separate us, forever
It's true
Sins separate all relationship
That's why Jesus died for us to show the unconditional love
I really do understand
But god? This is my struggle more than anything else
There Are always problems hidden that doesn't want to be touched
Cos knowing once touched will cause another argument
We flight
2011年10月8日 星期六
It's my first time witnessing people getting baptized after my baptism half an year ago.
Those familiar faces with peace and joy on their faces reminded that good times in April.
SEEC sharings, testimony, calling,getting baptized
I had the same facial expression like anyone of them today.
Seeing a 14 year old teen declaring his faith on front if everyone, admitting all the wrongs and ignorance. I envy him.
Hearing testimonies of those laid their past before God, I envy them.
I looked at the cross, light streaming through casting a bright cross on the carpet.
Heart suddenly in deep pain
Keeping myself busy and tired could help myself to lock the memories away.
But nothing could be hidden before the cross
I surrendered.
Flash back of memories is bearable
Flash back of emotions is heart breakingly painful
At least having working to control myself, memories are facts, they are history
Yet the feelings I had, I could still feel it
Re-grasping those breathless moments
At the admiralty platform..
On the bench near home, my Sony ericsson phone boiling against my ear
On the path at victoria park
The bench at time sqaure
On the cx plane covering half of my face with the duvet, burying into the pillow using all energy to not make a sound when all light is out during the journey
On the coach leaning in the icy cold window, avoiding catchin Sally's attention
Back at no.48, first time bursting into tears in front if my beat friend after knowing her for
More than a year
Nights of waking up before the sun rise, staring into nothing
I had those moments, yet remembering the first Sunday service at st.barts, when tears of relief (not sadness) began to stream down the face when the song king if kings majesty was sung.
Remembering the lyrics of 'all within me cries out in praise'
I knew God is with me, even it means of going through the tough times
I lived those days with joy abd faith
Past does not affect me, as long as my faith going stronger and rooted
Today I looked at myself
Everything has changed
I speak harsh words, I am easily angered, easily envy the others
I thought of myself standing in the same place a couple months ago
Smiling, holding bunches of flowers in my hands, receiving supports and blessings from my brothers sisters and friends
It seemed so long ago
Where have I been?
That me may deserve all the love from the others
Now
What's happening ?
Why is it so fruatrating?
I saw them gleaming in joy in being together
But is it my problem then that I can't see any good changes in myself
Or even happiness?
Why those could easily search for happiness
And leaving a long term pain for another?
Mum you said I had a choice
Jess you told me to be good to myself and don't think of things that had hurt you
It's me putting salt onto the wounds
I didn't let god heal it
Because I hadn't been able to forgive co pletely of what she and he did
I dont want to be healed,
As it is too much to touch on it and face it
Saying bad things to you didn't make me feel better
But I feel secure to shield up
I miss myself too but perhaps it's me who murdered her
So that I am protected
When I reached this point , I already can't see what's before me
Those familiar faces with peace and joy on their faces reminded that good times in April.
SEEC sharings, testimony, calling,getting baptized
I had the same facial expression like anyone of them today.
Seeing a 14 year old teen declaring his faith on front if everyone, admitting all the wrongs and ignorance. I envy him.
Hearing testimonies of those laid their past before God, I envy them.
I looked at the cross, light streaming through casting a bright cross on the carpet.
Heart suddenly in deep pain
Keeping myself busy and tired could help myself to lock the memories away.
But nothing could be hidden before the cross
I surrendered.
Flash back of memories is bearable
Flash back of emotions is heart breakingly painful
At least having working to control myself, memories are facts, they are history
Yet the feelings I had, I could still feel it
Re-grasping those breathless moments
At the admiralty platform..
On the bench near home, my Sony ericsson phone boiling against my ear
On the path at victoria park
The bench at time sqaure
On the cx plane covering half of my face with the duvet, burying into the pillow using all energy to not make a sound when all light is out during the journey
On the coach leaning in the icy cold window, avoiding catchin Sally's attention
Back at no.48, first time bursting into tears in front if my beat friend after knowing her for
More than a year
Nights of waking up before the sun rise, staring into nothing
I had those moments, yet remembering the first Sunday service at st.barts, when tears of relief (not sadness) began to stream down the face when the song king if kings majesty was sung.
Remembering the lyrics of 'all within me cries out in praise'
I knew God is with me, even it means of going through the tough times
I lived those days with joy abd faith
Past does not affect me, as long as my faith going stronger and rooted
Today I looked at myself
Everything has changed
I speak harsh words, I am easily angered, easily envy the others
I thought of myself standing in the same place a couple months ago
Smiling, holding bunches of flowers in my hands, receiving supports and blessings from my brothers sisters and friends
It seemed so long ago
Where have I been?
That me may deserve all the love from the others
Now
What's happening ?
Why is it so fruatrating?
I saw them gleaming in joy in being together
But is it my problem then that I can't see any good changes in myself
Or even happiness?
Why those could easily search for happiness
And leaving a long term pain for another?
Mum you said I had a choice
Jess you told me to be good to myself and don't think of things that had hurt you
It's me putting salt onto the wounds
I didn't let god heal it
Because I hadn't been able to forgive co pletely of what she and he did
I dont want to be healed,
As it is too much to touch on it and face it
Saying bad things to you didn't make me feel better
But I feel secure to shield up
I miss myself too but perhaps it's me who murdered her
So that I am protected
When I reached this point , I already can't see what's before me
2011年10月7日 星期五
2011年9月22日 星期四
Take everything Away
Take everything away
Take my memory
Take my emotions
Take my energy away
Sometimes I feel that my brain is enemy
Sometimes I wish I am a different person with different ways of thinking
From so long ago I have been praying I could see things in new way,live a different way.
Because I am exhausted of being who I am
Dreams and sleep are my temporary shelter
No matter how rebellious I feel, I still have to get up and knowing life still goes on
And honestly, I don't like the rule
Don't think I will make it there
Take my memory
Take my emotions
Take my energy away
Sometimes I feel that my brain is enemy
Sometimes I wish I am a different person with different ways of thinking
From so long ago I have been praying I could see things in new way,live a different way.
Because I am exhausted of being who I am
Dreams and sleep are my temporary shelter
No matter how rebellious I feel, I still have to get up and knowing life still goes on
And honestly, I don't like the rule
Don't think I will make it there
2011年9月21日 星期三
Perhaps it's the other way round
Recently couldnt get the idea out of my mind :s
What if it was me causing people unhappiness
what if it's me?
Can physical contacts be absent in a relationship?
If so, does that mean there is no sparks?
How does one know it is really love, but not any other reason?
There are so many things I dont understand
and not knowing what to do
not knowing,
is frustrating.
2011年9月17日 星期六
focus
focusing on the others made time flies faster
made me less focus on my own things
made me less concerned
is this why i like focusing on other people just hoping time goes a little faster so i dont have to spend too much energy to think about my own matter?
it's exhausting and painful to look at my own things
perhaps helping the others made myself see my own values more
and this is the way ive been living till now.
each words of anger are like sharp spikes,
love is not like this isnt it?
out accusing each other, to bring sense of victory and satisfications
and ending up with wounds that are still bleeding.
is it me who doesnt want to be healed? so I dont deserved to be healed?
When I truly pray to be healed, why do I still feel the pain and anger inside me?
if other people can get my focus away and let time goes a little faster, to me, my life is a little easier.
made me less focus on my own things
made me less concerned
is this why i like focusing on other people just hoping time goes a little faster so i dont have to spend too much energy to think about my own matter?
it's exhausting and painful to look at my own things
perhaps helping the others made myself see my own values more
and this is the way ive been living till now.
each words of anger are like sharp spikes,
love is not like this isnt it?
out accusing each other, to bring sense of victory and satisfications
and ending up with wounds that are still bleeding.
is it me who doesnt want to be healed? so I dont deserved to be healed?
When I truly pray to be healed, why do I still feel the pain and anger inside me?
if other people can get my focus away and let time goes a little faster, to me, my life is a little easier.
2011年9月12日 星期一
Offer
Hi Cheung Jau, havent been there since Jan.
Last time I went there with a heavy heart, but with a really nice group of support friends. Remained strong, remained in faith.
Today, went back there again and didnt realise the town is quite pretty at night. The environment didnt change much, but I feel I am different.
nice place, innocent people, heart warming greetings, country music.
Different from seeing drunk people, club music, all distraction delaying people to see the most precious thing in life.
Not about 'having fun'
But spending as much time as you can with people you love.
I looked up the sky at the hill top, I saw the sea, the clear sky and the moon.
I only prayed for one thing at that moment.
"I want to use my remaining time to love God and people I know"
recalled all the struggles and sins I committed in the past days.
I had pride, I felt I deserved to be treated in a better way.
I am exhausted, for hating someone so badly. I never hated a person so badly in my life i felt everything were taken away and against me. I even felt she ruined my life, mucked up my plan. I looked down on that person because I felt she had no rights to take away anything cos she doesnt even deserve to mess around.
Yeh, I know so many pretty girls who mess around her, but I really dont get what boys see in their eyes.
I didnt understand when I looked at her face, how could one still smile like that.
I hate her because she could easily selfishly do such shameful things.
I once prayed and asked God to punish her, if not, then punish me.
God, it isnt fair. I came a long way.
I hated the TV, hated all those movies magazines projecting and making sex so disgraceful.
When I believe it's the best thing you created to make two people closer in their marriage, it should be out of love.
Why nowadays, I just see it as the most disgusting thing ever.
Why people cheat their husband or wife behind their back?
Why people do it for fun
Why people do it for money
Why I asked too many times even I am sick of asking
Last week, I thought, if this world is so disgusting, I want to die. Let me die now.
I really dont want to see anymore.
I am scared, I am afraid. I feel like to vomit.
Reading the Lost Son story really made me cry.
I couldnt help it, I have to admitt, I am exactly like the older son.
God you love those I hate. They dont know you and you forgive them.
This puts me into deep guilt everytime when I thought of the past experience.
God it is so hard to forgive. I cared about myself, getting hurt and betrayed, and You care about her.
You care about all those people committing sins out there.
Today, I said to myself, God loves you.
I didnt really feel the Love before when other people kept saying it around me.
But I felt it today.
and I want to tell You,
I am tired of using my standard to judge the world
I am tired to critising people's sins
I am tired of living in shame and guilt.
God today as Mid-autumn festival, I see lots of Love out there.
I see You too.
Today I particularly miss Gor Gor
He didnt know, he was badly wounded in relationship.
But his testimony is a real blessing to me.
For he had already overcome because of You.
And I want to believe too, One day my experience, can bless the others too.
I can overcome anything, because Love overcomes sins.
Happy Mid -Autumn Festival
I really miss Sin Gor gor today.
2011年9月3日 星期六
Knowing the coming bible study would be on Romans, finally got some quiet time to sit down and read.
At the beginning, perhaps part of me was seeking for some kind of comfort from God's words. Some truth and faithful promises. Reading from chapter 1 onwards,
paused on 8:25: 但 我 們 若 盼 望 那 所 不 見 的 、 就 必 忍 耐 等 候
then I knew what is coming next, after having read this popular verse over so many times at church
8:26 況 且 我 們 的 軟 弱 有 聖 靈 幫 助 、 我 們 本 不 曉 得 當 怎 樣 禱 告 、 只 是 聖 靈 親 自 用 說 不 出 來 的 歎 息 、 替 我 們 禱 告
But it felt so different this time, this verse touched me , at the very deep end of my heart.
Couldnt explain the urge to cry out loud
when thinking back, for so many times I sat down, I knew exactly my problems, and I knew it's out of my power.
That day, sitting under the tree at that playground. I hated heat, but I needed a corner to sit down and pray to God.
strange things do happened, it was one of the hottest day in summer, i sat out there for probably more than half an hour, I was cooled. felt protected. As I prayed, the scene of Jonah praying to God in anger appeared in my mind. Jonah exactly prayed out what was in my mind
"take away please, my soul from me, for my dying is better than my being alive" Jonah 4:3
I could not avoid the fact that there is a strong sense of anger embedding within my heart.
I felt like I wanted to shout to God, at the same time I know He loves me. it's a mixture of feelings that I find no other words to explain.
My biggest enemy is: lack of faith in people, probably that's implying in God too.
8:26 況 且 我 們 的 軟 弱 有 聖 靈 幫 助 、 我 們 本 不 曉 得 當 怎 樣 禱 告 、 只 是 聖 靈 親 自 用 說 不 出 來 的 歎 息 、 替 我 們 禱 告
No other words can be more comforting than this.
When I sat down, not knowing what to say, not knowing how to pray.
God is already praying for me. That is the greatest gift and grace.
this experience came up too in early January.
the instant moment of not being able to respond further to situation
the feeling of my faithful world is collapsing,
the moment of me strongly asking, is there God
The moment when I had began to have tears, I know, He is with me all the time.
when I struggle at night time alone, He is reminding me that I am not alone.
Sometimes, thinking back, I felt grateful that somehow struggles bring me and God closer.
But sometimes, it hurts so badly.
I guess when someone is cured from cancer, he or she would still remember those harsh time fighting the disease.
Even though, we are told this is over.
but carrying the scars is the price we paying for the sins we did.
I am no longer the one I used to be.
for that day at SEEC, I decided it's the path i am taking to bring myself to maturity, and narrower and harder path.
But God, even though, I have all the knowledge in my head now, this is a complete other level.
我 們 曉 得 萬 事 都 互 相 效 力 、 叫 愛 神 的 人 得 益 處 、 就 是 按 他 旨 意 被 召 的 人
And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.
sometimes, I asked again
益 處?
can i not do anything, stopped all relationship with people so that I can protect myself safely in my own shell.
I know this is not He wanted.
there is a voice telling me, love other people less, the chances of getting hurt and betrayed would also reduce.
that voice telling me, love those who you know they are worth it. love those you care only.
the temptation of the easier path, the truth about those, is actually telling me to love myself more than anything.
He told us to love everyone like loving ourselves, or even MORE than loving ourselves.
God I know If I am not forgiven if I am not forgiving.
but right now I pray
only Your will, not mine.
At the beginning, perhaps part of me was seeking for some kind of comfort from God's words. Some truth and faithful promises. Reading from chapter 1 onwards,
paused on 8:25: 但 我 們 若 盼 望 那 所 不 見 的 、 就 必 忍 耐 等 候
then I knew what is coming next, after having read this popular verse over so many times at church
8:26 況 且 我 們 的 軟 弱 有 聖 靈 幫 助 、 我 們 本 不 曉 得 當 怎 樣 禱 告 、 只 是 聖 靈 親 自 用 說 不 出 來 的 歎 息 、 替 我 們 禱 告
But it felt so different this time, this verse touched me , at the very deep end of my heart.
Couldnt explain the urge to cry out loud
when thinking back, for so many times I sat down, I knew exactly my problems, and I knew it's out of my power.
That day, sitting under the tree at that playground. I hated heat, but I needed a corner to sit down and pray to God.
strange things do happened, it was one of the hottest day in summer, i sat out there for probably more than half an hour, I was cooled. felt protected. As I prayed, the scene of Jonah praying to God in anger appeared in my mind. Jonah exactly prayed out what was in my mind
"take away please, my soul from me, for my dying is better than my being alive" Jonah 4:3
I could not avoid the fact that there is a strong sense of anger embedding within my heart.
I felt like I wanted to shout to God, at the same time I know He loves me. it's a mixture of feelings that I find no other words to explain.
My biggest enemy is: lack of faith in people, probably that's implying in God too.
8:26 況 且 我 們 的 軟 弱 有 聖 靈 幫 助 、 我 們 本 不 曉 得 當 怎 樣 禱 告 、 只 是 聖 靈 親 自 用 說 不 出 來 的 歎 息 、 替 我 們 禱 告
No other words can be more comforting than this.
When I sat down, not knowing what to say, not knowing how to pray.
God is already praying for me. That is the greatest gift and grace.
this experience came up too in early January.
the instant moment of not being able to respond further to situation
the feeling of my faithful world is collapsing,
the moment of me strongly asking, is there God
The moment when I had began to have tears, I know, He is with me all the time.
when I struggle at night time alone, He is reminding me that I am not alone.
Sometimes, thinking back, I felt grateful that somehow struggles bring me and God closer.
But sometimes, it hurts so badly.
I guess when someone is cured from cancer, he or she would still remember those harsh time fighting the disease.
Even though, we are told this is over.
but carrying the scars is the price we paying for the sins we did.
I am no longer the one I used to be.
for that day at SEEC, I decided it's the path i am taking to bring myself to maturity, and narrower and harder path.
But God, even though, I have all the knowledge in my head now, this is a complete other level.
我 們 曉 得 萬 事 都 互 相 效 力 、 叫 愛 神 的 人 得 益 處 、 就 是 按 他 旨 意 被 召 的 人
And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.
sometimes, I asked again
益 處?
can i not do anything, stopped all relationship with people so that I can protect myself safely in my own shell.
I know this is not He wanted.
there is a voice telling me, love other people less, the chances of getting hurt and betrayed would also reduce.
that voice telling me, love those who you know they are worth it. love those you care only.
the temptation of the easier path, the truth about those, is actually telling me to love myself more than anything.
He told us to love everyone like loving ourselves, or even MORE than loving ourselves.
God I know If I am not forgiven if I am not forgiving.
but right now I pray
only Your will, not mine.
2011年8月12日 星期五
Moments
How many precious moments does one remember in their lifetime?
and...
how many awful moments does one remember in their lifetime?
People take lots of photos to help them remembering all the happy joyful moments
there are rarely pictures of people experiencing hard time.
Is it people trying to forget or those moments simply not worth remembering.
In reality, those moments stick clearer in your head, the more you wanted to forget about them.
Work and then work, and then late again.
Felt like I am losing time, at least glad to spend a rush hour with the St.Helen's girls.
Apparently, I hadnt changed at all, still being the old-self Sharon,
in their eyes.
But I am not feeling that proud to be the old-self, nor proud of my current state either.
Making silly jokes like the old innocent time, feeling warm, loved and cared.
So this is what people all looking for in their life time, to be loved and cared.
It makes you feel you are important, it makes you feel you wanted to be more devoted.
I sat down by one of those MTR station seats, the girl next to me was crawled up, half unconsciously mourning.
Drunk, I thought she was.
Both trains came round twice, she didnt make a move, nor did I.
I looked at her for awhile. There were people walking by, perhaps gave her a look and carried on walking.
One or two mid-aged men came along and started talking to her.
that's quite dangerous.
I waited there for awhile, hoping someone nice could come along.
Or may be I shouldve done something.
People like me, knows exactly that getting drunk is not so a sensible thing to do
When i look at her, I envy her. yet deep down, perhaps I was laughing at her too.
I envy her, laid down her guards and entering into her own world and there will still be people looking after her.
Laughing at her, just simply how stupid the whole situation look.
I gave myself a cold laugh. What an evil person I am.
showing a sign of compassion?
the train heading to central soon arrived again, she seemed to be alright to have 2 women looking after her. I walked on to the train, still looking at her from a distance.
since when , for a short while, perhaps I am looking for that flash of freedom.
But no, waking up from this is more painful.
meeting someone drunk when you are sober is quite a painful thing.
You see their pain, but they dont see yours.
I know my home, is handling all my burdens over to God. My ultimate home.
I know where I belong to
but I just cant grab it tight, and losing it all.
and...
how many awful moments does one remember in their lifetime?
People take lots of photos to help them remembering all the happy joyful moments
there are rarely pictures of people experiencing hard time.
Is it people trying to forget or those moments simply not worth remembering.
In reality, those moments stick clearer in your head, the more you wanted to forget about them.
Work and then work, and then late again.
Felt like I am losing time, at least glad to spend a rush hour with the St.Helen's girls.
Apparently, I hadnt changed at all, still being the old-self Sharon,
in their eyes.
But I am not feeling that proud to be the old-self, nor proud of my current state either.
Making silly jokes like the old innocent time, feeling warm, loved and cared.
So this is what people all looking for in their life time, to be loved and cared.
It makes you feel you are important, it makes you feel you wanted to be more devoted.
I sat down by one of those MTR station seats, the girl next to me was crawled up, half unconsciously mourning.
Drunk, I thought she was.
Both trains came round twice, she didnt make a move, nor did I.
I looked at her for awhile. There were people walking by, perhaps gave her a look and carried on walking.
One or two mid-aged men came along and started talking to her.
that's quite dangerous.
I waited there for awhile, hoping someone nice could come along.
Or may be I shouldve done something.
People like me, knows exactly that getting drunk is not so a sensible thing to do
When i look at her, I envy her. yet deep down, perhaps I was laughing at her too.
I envy her, laid down her guards and entering into her own world and there will still be people looking after her.
Laughing at her, just simply how stupid the whole situation look.
I gave myself a cold laugh. What an evil person I am.
showing a sign of compassion?
the train heading to central soon arrived again, she seemed to be alright to have 2 women looking after her. I walked on to the train, still looking at her from a distance.
since when , for a short while, perhaps I am looking for that flash of freedom.
But no, waking up from this is more painful.
meeting someone drunk when you are sober is quite a painful thing.
You see their pain, but they dont see yours.
I know my home, is handling all my burdens over to God. My ultimate home.
I know where I belong to
but I just cant grab it tight, and losing it all.
2011年8月10日 星期三
Too much expectation kills
Loving someone nice is easy
Loving someone and embracing all is difficult.
Knowing more hurts with reality
Knowing less hurts with over imaginations
It's true that when we ve done something terribly wrong, we dont have to die straight away
but what comes next is more painful than death.
when that only thing kept in my mind is, no matter how painful it is, we are all living under God's grace.
This gives me hope, yet putting me into a bottomless hole.
Loving someone and embracing all is difficult.
Knowing more hurts with reality
Knowing less hurts with over imaginations
It's true that when we ve done something terribly wrong, we dont have to die straight away
but what comes next is more painful than death.
when that only thing kept in my mind is, no matter how painful it is, we are all living under God's grace.
This gives me hope, yet putting me into a bottomless hole.
2011年7月29日 星期五
Fearless. Riding on a roller coaster
What a weird feeling to see someone holding onto someone else when you know he once loved another girl.
At that moment, I wasnt sure about eternity
When two people once were so closed and believed they would be together forever,
how disappointing when one turned back and loved another person?
1.02am, I felt I didnt belong there at all.
People seemed like having an amazing time around me.
And how many of them were aware of what they were doing?
How many of them were truly having a good time, or just showing people they are having a good time?
One told me "you only know how to appreciate alcohol when you have experienced its greatness"
I said "like you only know you really believe in Jesus when you have experienced his greatness"
Laugh, just laugh at me here.
Suddenly, I fear, fear of people around me.
What if things went out of control?
I had to leave, really have to.
Despite after having such a long day of work, no toilet break, non-digestible lunch
I understand the temptation to just go wild and free, and just NOT having to worry or think about anything and enjoy the presence.
After tired of faith going up and down hill constantly, and re-thinking all the goods and bads in the past
tending to find a way out of this.
Even just for that very split moment
I want to let go of faith, that I think it's restricting me, putting me in all sort of difficult situations
Yet I know I have to hold on to it.
How can we say we dont like food but we still eat? Because we need to survive.
I fear the temptation of giving up yourself for sins.
Yet, I fear more losing interest in living.
When life not matters to you anymore, there is nothing else to care.
Then it hits me.
When we lose our ambition, doesnt care about anything or even your own life, perhaps, it's self-defending.
Because, life is so unpredictable.
Before you scream, your journey on the roller coaster already ends.
I began to pray,
one thing I would remember by heart today
you only know it's sweet, when you have experienced the bitter and sour part of life
When life is too perfect, then is this really "living"?
The breath you take when you are happy probably a lot smoother than those moment you felt like pain is taking your breath away.
You probably not enjoying the bitter part, but do believe, you then would really get to appreciate the sweetness in life
Be Fearless,
in other words,
believe
believe and enjoy all the up and downs.
laugh out loud, cry out loud and dont miss out a thing
2011年7月17日 星期日
Tears brought us closer
It's never been so painful since last Christmas.
Though been dealing with all the struggles after all these months, it came to a point where I got lost and not able to see where I am and where I am heading to.
When I ask God for help, i want to know exactly the right way to love.
When I said I want to give up, I thought this is the right thing to do and I would feel peace at heart for doing something that I thought God would appreciate.
But after having said that, I couldnt feel the peace.
Unlike last time, I knew it was right to keep a distance. At Christmas, it was painful but i could feel the peace.
This time I couldnt, whether becos the love has grown even stronger than before, or...perhaps I was really discouraged and lost.
I feel today, theres a reason why I ve made the decision to find you, to be there for you.
I want to know, I prayed and asked God.
when we both gave in ourselves and the truthful tears
nothing can replace it
Even I am the only one focusing on God, I shall protect both of us because I should believe that since i ve made the decision, God is walking with me.
Unless one day He has to take you away from me, then I'll obey and accept.
let now...we could both rest in His Arm, enjoying the seed of peace growing within our heart.
Thanks for your hand, for holding on to mine tightly.
Though been dealing with all the struggles after all these months, it came to a point where I got lost and not able to see where I am and where I am heading to.
When I ask God for help, i want to know exactly the right way to love.
When I said I want to give up, I thought this is the right thing to do and I would feel peace at heart for doing something that I thought God would appreciate.
But after having said that, I couldnt feel the peace.
Unlike last time, I knew it was right to keep a distance. At Christmas, it was painful but i could feel the peace.
This time I couldnt, whether becos the love has grown even stronger than before, or...perhaps I was really discouraged and lost.
I feel today, theres a reason why I ve made the decision to find you, to be there for you.
I want to know, I prayed and asked God.
when we both gave in ourselves and the truthful tears
nothing can replace it
Even I am the only one focusing on God, I shall protect both of us because I should believe that since i ve made the decision, God is walking with me.
Unless one day He has to take you away from me, then I'll obey and accept.
let now...we could both rest in His Arm, enjoying the seed of peace growing within our heart.
Thanks for your hand, for holding on to mine tightly.
2011年7月9日 星期六
Temptation is not a sin
Temptation is not a sin
Our decision determines what sin is.
It's true,
temptation is everywhere
Our final decision, our action counts.
Facing a temptation, I decided to run.
Because I cannot test out my limit, when I know from the beginning, theres no bottom line for all sinners.
I cannot stop temptations.
Just like a kid, if he sees candies in front of him, it is not a sin.
But if he decided to disobey rules and steal the candies, it's a sin.
At the end of the day, it's our greed that needs to be blamed.
Isnt it?
And I am grateful that beyond all these, we can really enjoy true freedom because of HIM.
God I am truly grateful, I really do.
Our decision determines what sin is.
It's true,
temptation is everywhere
Our final decision, our action counts.
Facing a temptation, I decided to run.
Because I cannot test out my limit, when I know from the beginning, theres no bottom line for all sinners.
I cannot stop temptations.
Just like a kid, if he sees candies in front of him, it is not a sin.
But if he decided to disobey rules and steal the candies, it's a sin.
At the end of the day, it's our greed that needs to be blamed.
Isnt it?
And I am grateful that beyond all these, we can really enjoy true freedom because of HIM.
God I am truly grateful, I really do.
2011年6月14日 星期二
2011年6月1日 星期三
I am meant to be here
A friend asked do u ever leave on time for work?
I said, "Yeah, I leave at 6pm, UK time" :p
Work is hard, but it's given to you because you can handle it.
Theres nothing given to us that we cannot handle, I am quite certain of that
Mum thank you for the lunch box, thank you for the yummy late dinner and soup
A month of work felt like it's been longer than that
But I believe, I am really meant to be here, and glad to be
When you feel it's time to leave your comfort zone, do not fear.
I used to, before going to a boarding School
before working at Swire
before Uni
before Oval
Key people I have met: (St.Helen's) Dear friends, boarders fellows, Mrs Wichel and Mrs Wooldridge
(SOC) Ashley, So-Blessed, Rod Irene Ada
(Swire) Mirander and Jennifer
(Bath): BCCF, My dear coursemates and friends, SEEC people
Now,
Oval, I found my unknown neighbour : Emily :)
Dear God, today I want to once agan thank you for putting these people in my life
When I was sitting in the car today, I think about all the miracles that have happened in my life
Theres no words I can explain, apart from a deep smile you have put on my face
Thank you
2011年5月28日 星期六
2011年5月27日 星期五
More of HIm, Less of Me
The more I think about the past, I see mistakes
The more I think about the future, I see challenges
The more I think about the presence, I see concerns
The more I think about myself, I see selfishness and shame
However,
The more I think about God, I see Love
When it is about the future, I see Hope
When It is about the past, I see blessings
When It is about the presence, I see faith
Being able to see clearly who you are, a true blessing in my life
The more I think about the future, I see challenges
The more I think about the presence, I see concerns
The more I think about myself, I see selfishness and shame
However,
The more I think about God, I see Love
When it is about the future, I see Hope
When It is about the past, I see blessings
When It is about the presence, I see faith
Being able to see clearly who you are, a true blessing in my life
2011年5月11日 星期三
Searching for memories
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uX0Dvtvev1E
Watching this link the other day made me think alot.
La Maison en Petits Cubes
The Mansion in little cubes
Do people search for memories in their city?
Perhaps, going into a completely new place, then the experience is probably strange
But I guess, at some point in life
We end up being in the old places, and we would be unconsciously retrieving memories
Today, my colleague told me about an interesting story about an invisible city, whoever entering the city would lose all their memories, and they need to find their missing fragments in different parts of the city as they explore the place.
Which is actually, quite inspiring.
Sometimes, I wish going to some new places to leave some new footprints, but because having walked so many times in circles, I could no longer make any mark there
Sometimes, going back to old places, I wish to retrieve some memories for so long ago, and probably not the recent ones
Sometimes I feel lost I dont know where I am coming from and where I am going to
So I walk there and then, not sure what to do
I guess the prints dont get fade away, they just got muddled up
When you see a place with so many footprints, the paths get so diverted
If memories are like photoshop, i wish i could delete some layers and make it perfect
But God said it's not about making it perfect, but take part in the journey in his presence
That's probably what I have missed out
Watching this link the other day made me think alot.
La Maison en Petits Cubes
The Mansion in little cubes
Do people search for memories in their city?
Perhaps, going into a completely new place, then the experience is probably strange
But I guess, at some point in life
We end up being in the old places, and we would be unconsciously retrieving memories
Today, my colleague told me about an interesting story about an invisible city, whoever entering the city would lose all their memories, and they need to find their missing fragments in different parts of the city as they explore the place.
Which is actually, quite inspiring.
Sometimes, I wish going to some new places to leave some new footprints, but because having walked so many times in circles, I could no longer make any mark there
Sometimes, going back to old places, I wish to retrieve some memories for so long ago, and probably not the recent ones
Sometimes I feel lost I dont know where I am coming from and where I am going to
So I walk there and then, not sure what to do
I guess the prints dont get fade away, they just got muddled up
When you see a place with so many footprints, the paths get so diverted
If memories are like photoshop, i wish i could delete some layers and make it perfect
But God said it's not about making it perfect, but take part in the journey in his presence
That's probably what I have missed out
2011年4月28日 星期四
2011年3月29日 星期二
A proper rest means quality time with God
Only at these moments,
I realised all those things which are precious.
I never thought that not able getting a job YET can be something so blessed.
My dear Brother been subtly supportive, both spiritually and actively. Keeping my in prayers all the time, telling me, teaching me to rest, to be patient and not to be affected by the others.
Brothers and Sisters at both BCCF and So-Blessed- I ve never actually able to see myself being so loved.
Particularly, group2, thanks for all support and looking forward to our re-u in London in the very near future.
Trawcy Scum, my twinie, I am glad to have a sis like you that we share the same vision and focus in God. Let's praise and glorify him :)
Ashley, thanks for all your support, both for BCCF and myself, your advices and care, and your sarcasm.
Rod and Irene, the couple always speak encouraging things :D
My bible study group, every Sunday, my faith is always restored after such joyful bonding time.
St.Helen's buddies, if I had to work, I probably wont have time to see you all again, so I cant wait for the following tea parties and birthday parties and re-union again next week!
My aunt, though I never asked for any help, thanks so much for looking out for opportunities for me.
Jennifer, my sweet supervisor, thanks for everything, offering me freelance work, helping me to look for placement and always sending me encouraging and exciting arty passages to read! Ive never thought our friendship could turn out so great.
Beaummont and Jessica Cheng: my two beloved dodgy friends. Beaummont you teased the jobless me, but yet you and jess made me laugh all the time.
Jana Goehner, shame I couldnt visit you in Germany when I thought I couldve found a job by now. Thanks so much for your supportive messages, I will defo come and see you in Germany next year! I promise.
Elisabeta Ling: Yes i realised if i have got a job, i wouldnt have those amazing sharing time with you on the phone, london and bath, so I wouldnt ask for more la :) you are a great friend!
Romeo Chang: hmm wat can i say about you? Just want to thanks for everything, even at immature times, you ve been supportive. Clearly we are both getting mature under the guidance of God. No matter at So blessed fellowship, or EBS after lunch, Church times, out of church times, I never thought that we could have such sharing again after anything happened in the past. I give thanks :)
I spent sometime today, sitting alone, trying to pray (like how Pastor Chan taught us last Saturday)
I looked back, I realised, Ive taken too much for granted, I simply really have amazing friends and family, brothers and sisters.
Like Moses, if I had to sort out things using my own ways, I ended up with nothing. But knowing to rely on God, I could treasure those around me and He will guide my way.
Yet I kept over worrying about some tiny issues. At the end of the day, this is to be sorted because I know,
I have faith.
This short review really made me happy.
Love is really all around when I know God is with me all the time.
I realised all those things which are precious.
I never thought that not able getting a job YET can be something so blessed.
My dear Brother been subtly supportive, both spiritually and actively. Keeping my in prayers all the time, telling me, teaching me to rest, to be patient and not to be affected by the others.
Brothers and Sisters at both BCCF and So-Blessed- I ve never actually able to see myself being so loved.
Particularly, group2, thanks for all support and looking forward to our re-u in London in the very near future.
Trawcy Scum, my twinie, I am glad to have a sis like you that we share the same vision and focus in God. Let's praise and glorify him :)
Ashley, thanks for all your support, both for BCCF and myself, your advices and care, and your sarcasm.
Rod and Irene, the couple always speak encouraging things :D
My bible study group, every Sunday, my faith is always restored after such joyful bonding time.
St.Helen's buddies, if I had to work, I probably wont have time to see you all again, so I cant wait for the following tea parties and birthday parties and re-union again next week!
My aunt, though I never asked for any help, thanks so much for looking out for opportunities for me.
Jennifer, my sweet supervisor, thanks for everything, offering me freelance work, helping me to look for placement and always sending me encouraging and exciting arty passages to read! Ive never thought our friendship could turn out so great.
Beaummont and Jessica Cheng: my two beloved dodgy friends. Beaummont you teased the jobless me, but yet you and jess made me laugh all the time.
Jana Goehner, shame I couldnt visit you in Germany when I thought I couldve found a job by now. Thanks so much for your supportive messages, I will defo come and see you in Germany next year! I promise.
Elisabeta Ling: Yes i realised if i have got a job, i wouldnt have those amazing sharing time with you on the phone, london and bath, so I wouldnt ask for more la :) you are a great friend!
Romeo Chang: hmm wat can i say about you? Just want to thanks for everything, even at immature times, you ve been supportive. Clearly we are both getting mature under the guidance of God. No matter at So blessed fellowship, or EBS after lunch, Church times, out of church times, I never thought that we could have such sharing again after anything happened in the past. I give thanks :)
I spent sometime today, sitting alone, trying to pray (like how Pastor Chan taught us last Saturday)
I looked back, I realised, Ive taken too much for granted, I simply really have amazing friends and family, brothers and sisters.
Like Moses, if I had to sort out things using my own ways, I ended up with nothing. But knowing to rely on God, I could treasure those around me and He will guide my way.
Yet I kept over worrying about some tiny issues. At the end of the day, this is to be sorted because I know,
I have faith.
This short review really made me happy.
Love is really all around when I know God is with me all the time.
2011年3月24日 星期四
321....GO!
Finally sitting back in my bedroom,
Finally got some private time alone
And finally reviewing my life as well after celebrating so many friends' birthday within such a short while.
My dear friend, thanks everything you shared during my stay.
Thank you for your understanding, your care and your encouragement.
I had joyous time with you, travelling together, hanging out, just the two of us- girles time I have to say is always the awesome time.
You see things in me that most other people dont see
I have to say I appreciate those precious moments when we laid our hearts bare out in front of each other.
And then, without much planning, we seemed to have gone a little crazy
Could be described as "kwu chuet hui" ?
We hung out to Bristol, to do the things we wanted to do.
I am glad, that some moments we probably lost some discipline
But we afforded to do so.
I know, you have been tough, been lonely, been anxious
I guess I would describe this as "holiday" a proper one which we really left our worries behind and to enjoy what were in front of us.
Relaxed completely
Smiled all the way
Seeing everyone else enjoying themselves, I could not describe that satisfaction.
Singing K , Walking around Bath, Ice-cream, hot chocolate all those inclusive moments- I would say it's the real fellowship.
321 seems to make sense followed by the word "Go"
yeah, stepping out of a comfort zone- a breakthrough
I prayed to ask: what is faith. When bible stated it so clearly, it didnt click until I have experienced it in life.
When you have no proof, perhaps no evidence at all but that slight push for you to believe in something so deeply that could make one to take a step out
When I asked myself back, is this my will or God's will. To be honest, I dont think I can tell just yet until the time comes.
I made too many excuses for myself and now I seemed to have run out of reasons.
Perhaps the message arrived a little late, or I should say, it was bit late when I saw it.
I've already made my decision.
And now, I left that comfort zone.
Finally got some private time alone
And finally reviewing my life as well after celebrating so many friends' birthday within such a short while.
My dear friend, thanks everything you shared during my stay.
Thank you for your understanding, your care and your encouragement.
I had joyous time with you, travelling together, hanging out, just the two of us- girles time I have to say is always the awesome time.
You see things in me that most other people dont see
I have to say I appreciate those precious moments when we laid our hearts bare out in front of each other.
And then, without much planning, we seemed to have gone a little crazy
Could be described as "kwu chuet hui" ?
We hung out to Bristol, to do the things we wanted to do.
I am glad, that some moments we probably lost some discipline
But we afforded to do so.
I know, you have been tough, been lonely, been anxious
I guess I would describe this as "holiday" a proper one which we really left our worries behind and to enjoy what were in front of us.
Relaxed completely
Smiled all the way
Seeing everyone else enjoying themselves, I could not describe that satisfaction.
Singing K , Walking around Bath, Ice-cream, hot chocolate all those inclusive moments- I would say it's the real fellowship.
321 seems to make sense followed by the word "Go"
yeah, stepping out of a comfort zone- a breakthrough
I prayed to ask: what is faith. When bible stated it so clearly, it didnt click until I have experienced it in life.
When you have no proof, perhaps no evidence at all but that slight push for you to believe in something so deeply that could make one to take a step out
When I asked myself back, is this my will or God's will. To be honest, I dont think I can tell just yet until the time comes.
I made too many excuses for myself and now I seemed to have run out of reasons.
Perhaps the message arrived a little late, or I should say, it was bit late when I saw it.
I've already made my decision.
And now, I left that comfort zone.
A full glass of water.
To both of my dearest,
Happy Birthday to you both
2 very different people,
yet both as equally important to me
Had very best time since this placement period in Bath
Especially, was reading the Samaritan Woman passage
I guess a lot of us, just like that woman, we search for many things that can satisfy ourselves, including relationships, work, achievements etc
But most of the time, that satisfaction does not last.
Just like a half empty cup of water
We could see it as half full, or half empty- but I believe, Pinocchio, you and I , we believe that we could have a full cup of water within our faith.
No matter we are optimistic, or not.
Paddington Bear: I am so grateful to be with you, 7th Birthday together !
You have no idea how much I would love to spend this special day with you in many years to come
I searched everywhere, but gratefully, I could meet you two
despite there are laws and rules about how the universe run
I guess it is not co-incidence that we became such good friends, and mean something to each other.
Otherwise, we would have just met, walked past each other.
lastly just wana briefly wish you two a blessed birthday
and really Love you two
Happy Birthday to you both
2 very different people,
yet both as equally important to me
Had very best time since this placement period in Bath
Especially, was reading the Samaritan Woman passage
I guess a lot of us, just like that woman, we search for many things that can satisfy ourselves, including relationships, work, achievements etc
But most of the time, that satisfaction does not last.
Just like a half empty cup of water
We could see it as half full, or half empty- but I believe, Pinocchio, you and I , we believe that we could have a full cup of water within our faith.
No matter we are optimistic, or not.
Paddington Bear: I am so grateful to be with you, 7th Birthday together !
You have no idea how much I would love to spend this special day with you in many years to come
I searched everywhere, but gratefully, I could meet you two
despite there are laws and rules about how the universe run
I guess it is not co-incidence that we became such good friends, and mean something to each other.
Otherwise, we would have just met, walked past each other.
lastly just wana briefly wish you two a blessed birthday
and really Love you two
2011年3月8日 星期二
Passion
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PP-OEDHLYyg&feature=related
I believe there is no one else out there loving me as much as Jesus do.
The day I became a Christian, was the day I realised that love could be so perfect.
We call him God, not only because of all the great things he did in his life time. But no one could ever do so much, could sacrifice everything- the only thing he asks - have faith in him.
Thinking back, I have made so many mistakes in my life,
hurting my parents, my friends, or even, myself
I am selfish, most of the time.
When I thought or I tell you that I love you, sometimes I even doubt am I doing this, just for self-satisfaction?
When I thought I could do something for someone, at the end of the day, I could be proud of myself.
I knew it, from the beginning.
When I was young, I tried had to please people around me, because I want to be loved, to be admired
But I know, God Knows everything, every ugly thoughts I had in my mind.
Yet, he declares that he loves me. Even I am like that, he had already paid the price, upon that cross.
So I follow him, because I believe, in Him, I would be to love people from the bottom of my heart
Not for myself, but for God, to glorify him.
I am asking too much of you, too much that I really question if this is love.
That's not the way I want, how fragile, how weak, love without the presence of God is no longer true
At the worst moment of my life, I know I wont be alone.
I wish you may realise, you are not alone too.
Sorry, my pride.
I denied your love because perhaps I think too highly of myself.
I think "even I am not able to love properly, how would you know"
Yes, I had such thought so
I dont deserve a right to speak about Love
When God tells us:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres,
Love never fails.
What I did was:
Impatient, envy, proud
Get angry easily, kept all records of wrongs
I failed
That's why, we commit sins all the time, who else out that could do all these to everyone?
I thought I had nothing to do with Jesus, even I thought I had nothing to do with him, he sacrificed everything to tell me he loves me.
I cant say it's nothing to do with me anymore, because it does matter.
Perhaps, we all take the word "love" less serious than it meant.
It's a big word to me, and a long way to go.
That's why, I am sorry.
I believe there is no one else out there loving me as much as Jesus do.
The day I became a Christian, was the day I realised that love could be so perfect.
We call him God, not only because of all the great things he did in his life time. But no one could ever do so much, could sacrifice everything- the only thing he asks - have faith in him.
Thinking back, I have made so many mistakes in my life,
hurting my parents, my friends, or even, myself
I am selfish, most of the time.
When I thought or I tell you that I love you, sometimes I even doubt am I doing this, just for self-satisfaction?
When I thought I could do something for someone, at the end of the day, I could be proud of myself.
I knew it, from the beginning.
When I was young, I tried had to please people around me, because I want to be loved, to be admired
But I know, God Knows everything, every ugly thoughts I had in my mind.
Yet, he declares that he loves me. Even I am like that, he had already paid the price, upon that cross.
So I follow him, because I believe, in Him, I would be to love people from the bottom of my heart
Not for myself, but for God, to glorify him.
I am asking too much of you, too much that I really question if this is love.
That's not the way I want, how fragile, how weak, love without the presence of God is no longer true
At the worst moment of my life, I know I wont be alone.
I wish you may realise, you are not alone too.
Sorry, my pride.
I denied your love because perhaps I think too highly of myself.
I think "even I am not able to love properly, how would you know"
Yes, I had such thought so
I dont deserve a right to speak about Love
When God tells us:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres,
Love never fails.
What I did was:
Impatient, envy, proud
Get angry easily, kept all records of wrongs
I failed
That's why, we commit sins all the time, who else out that could do all these to everyone?
I thought I had nothing to do with Jesus, even I thought I had nothing to do with him, he sacrificed everything to tell me he loves me.
I cant say it's nothing to do with me anymore, because it does matter.
Perhaps, we all take the word "love" less serious than it meant.
It's a big word to me, and a long way to go.
That's why, I am sorry.
2011年3月7日 星期一
1 John 4.18
"愛 裡 沒 有 懼 怕 ． 愛 既 完 全 、 就 把 懼 怕 除 去 ． 因 為 懼 怕 裡 含 著 刑 罰 ． 懼 怕 的 人 在 愛 裡 未 得 完 全 " 1John 4.18
My faith in God swings , been having awkward feeling that "this is a punishment" rather than a blessings.
I pray because I need understanding
God tells us to build relationships
I tried my best already, at least I think I am following God
But it seems to be I am destroying it, I cant bare that again
Even though I know whatever happens, God you will be with me at all times
I simply just dont want to go through, tell me, if there is another way out of this
Not escaping, simply going a better way, there must be one.
"love" is no longer love when it changes its form into selfishness and anxiety.
My faith in God swings , been having awkward feeling that "this is a punishment" rather than a blessings.
I pray because I need understanding
God tells us to build relationships
I tried my best already, at least I think I am following God
But it seems to be I am destroying it, I cant bare that again
Even though I know whatever happens, God you will be with me at all times
I simply just dont want to go through, tell me, if there is another way out of this
Not escaping, simply going a better way, there must be one.
"love" is no longer love when it changes its form into selfishness and anxiety.
2011年2月27日 星期日
Galatians 5:13-25
| 弟 兄 們 、 你 們 蒙 召 、 是 要 得 自 由 ． 只 是 不 可 將 你 們 的 自 由 當 作 放 縱 情 慾 的 機 會 ． 總 要 用 愛 心 互 相 服 事 。 | ||
| 因 為 全 律 法 都 包 在 愛 人 如 己 這 一 句 話 之 內 了 。 | ||
| 你 們 要 謹 慎 ． 若 相 咬 相 吞 、 只 怕 要 彼 此 消 滅 了 。 | ||
| 我 說 、 你 們 當 順 著 聖 靈 而 行 、 就 不 放 縱 肉 體 的 情 慾 了 。 | ||
| 因 為 情 慾 和 聖 靈 相 爭 、 聖 靈 和 情 慾 相 爭 ． 這 兩 個 是 彼 此 相 敵 、 使 你 們 不 能 作 所 願 意 作 的 。 | ||
| 但 你 們 若 被 聖 靈 引 導 、 就 不 在 律 法 以 下 。 | ||
| 情 慾 的 事 、 都 是 顯 而 易 見 的 ． 就 如 姦 淫 、 污 穢 、 邪 蕩 、 | ||
| 拜 偶 像 、 邪 術 、 仇 恨 、 爭 競 、 忌 恨 、 惱 怒 、 結 黨 、 紛 爭 、 異 端 、 | ||
| 嫉 妒 、 醉 酒 、 荒 宴 等 類 、 我 從 前 告 訴 你 們 、 現 在 又 告 訴 你 們 、 行 這 樣 事 的 人 、 必 不 能 承 受 神 的 國 | ||
| 聖 靈 所 結 的 果 子 、 就 是 仁 愛 、 喜 樂 、 和 平 、 忍 耐 、 恩 慈 、 良 善 、 信 實 、 | ||
| 溫 柔 、 節 制 ． 這 樣 的 事 、 沒 有 律 法 禁 止 。 | ||
| 凡 屬 基 督 耶 穌 的 人 、 是 已 經 把 肉 體 、 連 肉 體 的 邪 情 私 慾 、 同 釘 在 十 字 架 上 了 。 | ||
| 我 們 若 是 靠 聖 靈 得 生 、 就 當 靠 聖 靈 行 事 。 | ||
| 不 要 貪 圖 虛 名 、 彼 此 惹 氣 、 互 相 嫉 妒 。 |
2011年2月21日 星期一
We are called to make a difference
"Being different means making a difference" Adrian said.
Yet being different means you do more than you are required to do, for that, people would see the difference in you.
Being different means you could hold on for what you believe and what you do
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DqdVMpHKORc&feature=player_embedded#at=12
When you want to be different, be prepared how people might judge you.
He made a very good point
Most of the time things didnt work out because we not holding on to it
and we give up too easily.
The most painful thing for people is that when they lose expectations in themselves
At that point, I looked at my brother
mutual understanding
has one ever thought one day they never be better or could be different?
Yet being different means you do more than you are required to do, for that, people would see the difference in you.
Being different means you could hold on for what you believe and what you do
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DqdVMpHKORc&feature=player_embedded#at=12
When you want to be different, be prepared how people might judge you.
He made a very good point
Most of the time things didnt work out because we not holding on to it
and we give up too easily.
The most painful thing for people is that when they lose expectations in themselves
At that point, I looked at my brother
mutual understanding
has one ever thought one day they never be better or could be different?
2011年2月18日 星期五
信 － 就是所望之事的實底，是未見之事的確據
had so much fun just reading all the old stuff from Summer
I wish I could go back in time to tell myself that not to worry, because you will definitely see God's greatness behind all these.
Haha but If i really managed to tell myself at that time, then I wouldnt have the faith then :)
had so much fun just reading all the old stuff from Summer
I wish I could go back in time to tell myself that not to worry, because you will definitely see God's greatness behind all these.
Haha but If i really managed to tell myself at that time, then I wouldnt have the faith then :)
2011年2月15日 星期二
2011年2月13日 星期日
生命有Take 2
After being almost physically isolated from people for a week, apart from having some quiet time,
I think that also kept me equipped for the weekend.
in EBS today, we looked at the story about Jesus and the storm
Well, this is not my first time reading this passage, but the key message was refreshing.
How do you know you are WORRIED?
What do you do when you think you are worried?
I asked myself, somehow deeply inside my heart, there are lot of things I am worried about.
And I am sure I am not the only one experiencing this kind of burden
I worry, I always worry when I think I have done something wrong and when things cannot be undone
When things I have said couldnt be taken back.
I have lost a couple of friends in my life so far
Purely based on some reasons:
Selfishness
Being Self-centered
Pride
and sometimes, it's just that person has changed and you could do NOTHING about it.
perhaps, there are challenges that really just strike you with no warning
Some foreseeing problem you might choose to ignore it
The meaning of death was mentioned today
I could hear God's voice so clearly
Death not only means physically, but relationship with people.
Yes, when I lost a friend, it's heart breaking
the connection between me and that friend is broken
ultimately, when we die, how many things you could take with you when you leave the world behind?
Today,I am not afraid, because I am in a relationship with Jesus and those I love whole-heartedly
I used to choose to walk away, or keep repeating the mistake because simply I did not want to admitt that I was wrong.
In fact, I kept walking, with worries, I knew I could have turned for help, but I didnt.
Stubborn I call it then
Within God, I know now relationship/ friendship can be re-built
and I need to praise God
I thought I would live in days of doubting people, blaming people, living in worries even though I have known you.
Like the disciples, at times, I dont feel confident.
But today you have shown me that it is possible
when you open your heart, with honesty, with love, there is courage.
The tragic Black Swan, she really could have another 2nd chance
She chose death
Her relationship with her mum, friends, teacher (even though they might not have treated her righteously)
she couldnt take anything with her when she died
this is REAL death
Eternal life simply means, a relationship with those you love and God who loves us more than anyone else in the world. Because it is the most promising love ever.
Even at times, friendship could change because people changes all the time
unpredictable
A fruitful life is God's grace. Not because I am capable, but because when everything is not in my control, I could give my life.
Everything makes sense because I believe in him
thank you, for healing our wounds
enabling me to become humble
for a very long time, today I could see your great work
my new fellowship family, my church life, the changes in myself and people around me
It's not co-incidence
haha nothing can be more light hearted than God's words, erasing all the anxious and fearful feelings
A very long day ended wtih
生命有Take 2 sharing.
2011年2月11日 星期五
retirement
Had a few days off completely
Alone
Sorted out applications
Gor said "it's good for you, particularly when you dont know how to rest, you can take time to slow yourself down"
At the beginning, so not used to this "quiet life", no rush for lectures, for sorting this and that out
I realised I hadnt have one day off since so long ago.
From start of year 1, till May, then Summer job, Summer course, O-Camp, Welcoming event rehersals, summer projects, year 2 until this point
finally submitted the last coursework.
I sat in front of the PC for 10 mins, yeh all I could do is wait.
I couldnt help but I constantly trying to find activities to fill up any gap of my schedule
Afraid of being "free"
But after this week, I think I began to enjoy this temporary "retired" life
Reading books that I like
Do running for as long as I like, wonder around
and reading bible again not just before/after fellowship or sunday service.
Seeing friends again in London
and quite enjoying being a driver and housewife for my brother, it kind of feels
good :)
hehehee
Alone
Sorted out applications
Gor said "it's good for you, particularly when you dont know how to rest, you can take time to slow yourself down"
At the beginning, so not used to this "quiet life", no rush for lectures, for sorting this and that out
I realised I hadnt have one day off since so long ago.
From start of year 1, till May, then Summer job, Summer course, O-Camp, Welcoming event rehersals, summer projects, year 2 until this point
finally submitted the last coursework.
I sat in front of the PC for 10 mins, yeh all I could do is wait.
I couldnt help but I constantly trying to find activities to fill up any gap of my schedule
Afraid of being "free"
But after this week, I think I began to enjoy this temporary "retired" life
Reading books that I like
Do running for as long as I like, wonder around
and reading bible again not just before/after fellowship or sunday service.
Seeing friends again in London
and quite enjoying being a driver and housewife for my brother, it kind of feels
good :)
hehehee
2011年2月8日 星期二
2011年2月7日 星期一
There could be so much other meaningful things to do in life
Yet, there are always people with no better business sending flirty messages around
They really like getting in to people's life when they dont have to take any responsibility of what they said and did.
Just stay away
and dont get any closer to hurt people I care dearly.
Not just London, it just happens everywhere
Yet, there are always people with no better business sending flirty messages around
They really like getting in to people's life when they dont have to take any responsibility of what they said and did.
Just stay away
and dont get any closer to hurt people I care dearly.
Not just London, it just happens everywhere
Back to normal again
logically speaking,
It's not my first time seeing my parents off to Hong Kong.
This is at least 20th or more time saying Goodbye
The most difficult one was in year 7, seeing the honda red car disappearing in a distance, I knew I would see them again very shortly, but that moment was always uneasy.
The second one, was probably in year 11 when I know they couldnt come to Speech day to support me. Knowing I got to be understanding, I didnt like seeing them leaving.
The most recent one, was year 1 in Uni, not so used to leaving London behind, and going to a strange place.
But then Bath became like a home
London is also my home
yeh, Hong Kong, perhaps, too.
I didnt expect this time was uneasy
it is going to be a long time before I could see them and I wonder, how much would I change by the next time we meet again.
When I left London, I miss it
When I left Bath, I miss it too
May be it does take time for one to enjoy the presence, it's certainly taking my time here
箴 言 Proverbs
It's not my first time seeing my parents off to Hong Kong.
This is at least 20th or more time saying Goodbye
The most difficult one was in year 7, seeing the honda red car disappearing in a distance, I knew I would see them again very shortly, but that moment was always uneasy.
The second one, was probably in year 11 when I know they couldnt come to Speech day to support me. Knowing I got to be understanding, I didnt like seeing them leaving.
The most recent one, was year 1 in Uni, not so used to leaving London behind, and going to a strange place.
But then Bath became like a home
London is also my home
yeh, Hong Kong, perhaps, too.
I didnt expect this time was uneasy
it is going to be a long time before I could see them and I wonder, how much would I change by the next time we meet again.
When I left London, I miss it
When I left Bath, I miss it too
May be it does take time for one to enjoy the presence, it's certainly taking my time here
箴 言 Proverbs
| 4:23 | 你 要 切 切保 守 你 心 、 勝 過 保 守 一 切 , 因 為 一 生 的 果 效 、 是 由 心 發 出 |
2011年2月5日 星期六
2011年2月3日 星期四
On the wheels
I realised I have always been so lucky to be a passenger throughout my 20 yrs life time
Bits and pieces, mummy used to take me to school, driving 20mins from Yuen Long to Kowloon Tong.
Daddy, always picking me up/dropping me to school when he came over to London. Those days, were somehow the best quality family time I had in my life. just that few days away from boarding school every year, always left me precious memories.
Listening to my favourite music, sometimes I teased my dad for his driving skills and lack of observation.
Now sitting on the driver seat, made me feel so different. I am in control of everything.
Mum was sitting behind
Been to Bicester for so many times, finally, I made my own way there today.
Have been waited for this day for a long time
Cant wait till the moment to pick Benson up tomorrow from station after work. It was my aim ever since that accidence, to be your driver.
it's gona be such short period of time again, for 4 of us to be together.
Let me take wherever you wana go, Mum, dad, for you have done enough for me already
Then obviously, work ;) I will make sure thats happening too
finally, you two can sit comfortably (erm perhaps I do need a lot more practices so that you two wouldnt worry as much )
Today I looked at her back as she walked away. I did not realise she is so fragile, petite
May be this is ageing
It was a sour feeling arising within myself,
want to treasure these days for she could still see my face so clearly now
How frightening it is then, when I could just appear as a white big block in her eyes
That's...something I cant imagine.
Bits and pieces, mummy used to take me to school, driving 20mins from Yuen Long to Kowloon Tong.
Daddy, always picking me up/dropping me to school when he came over to London. Those days, were somehow the best quality family time I had in my life. just that few days away from boarding school every year, always left me precious memories.
Listening to my favourite music, sometimes I teased my dad for his driving skills and lack of observation.
Now sitting on the driver seat, made me feel so different. I am in control of everything.
Mum was sitting behind
Been to Bicester for so many times, finally, I made my own way there today.
Have been waited for this day for a long time
Cant wait till the moment to pick Benson up tomorrow from station after work. It was my aim ever since that accidence, to be your driver.
it's gona be such short period of time again, for 4 of us to be together.
Let me take wherever you wana go, Mum, dad, for you have done enough for me already
Then obviously, work ;) I will make sure thats happening too
finally, you two can sit comfortably (erm perhaps I do need a lot more practices so that you two wouldnt worry as much )
Today I looked at her back as she walked away. I did not realise she is so fragile, petite
May be this is ageing
It was a sour feeling arising within myself,
want to treasure these days for she could still see my face so clearly now
How frightening it is then, when I could just appear as a white big block in her eyes
That's...something I cant imagine.
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