Knowing the coming bible study would be on Romans, finally got some quiet time to sit down and read.
At the beginning, perhaps part of me was seeking for some kind of comfort from God's words. Some truth and faithful promises. Reading from chapter 1 onwards,
 paused on 8:25: 但 我 們 若 盼 望 那 所 不 見 的 、 就 必 忍 耐 等 候 



then I knew what is coming next, after having read this popular verse over so many times at church
 8:26 況 且 我 們 的 軟 弱 有 聖 靈 幫 助 、 我 們 本 不 曉 得 當 怎 樣 禱 告 、 只 是 聖 靈 親 自 用 說 不 出 來 的 歎 息 、 替 我 們 禱 告


But it felt so different this time, this verse touched me , at the very deep end of my heart.





Couldnt explain the urge to cry out loud


when thinking back, for so many times I sat down, I knew exactly my problems, and I knew it's out of my power. 
That day, sitting under the tree at that playground.  I hated heat, but I needed a corner to sit down and pray to God.


strange things do happened, it was one of the hottest day in summer, i sat out there for probably more than half an hour, I was cooled. felt protected. As I prayed, the scene of Jonah praying to God in anger appeared in my mind. Jonah exactly prayed out what was in my mind 
 "take away please, my soul from me, for my dying is better than my being alive" Jonah 4:3


I could not avoid the fact that there is a strong sense of anger embedding within my heart.
I felt like I wanted to shout to God, at the same time I know He loves me. it's a mixture of feelings that I find no other words to explain.


My biggest enemy is: lack of faith in people, probably that's implying in God too.
8:26 況 且 我 們 的 軟 弱 有 聖 靈 幫 助 、 我 們 本 不 曉 得 當 怎 樣 禱 告 、 只 是 聖 靈 親 自 用 說 不 出 來 的 歎 息 、 替 我 們 禱 告


No other words can be more comforting than this.
When I sat down, not knowing what to say, not knowing how to pray.
God is already praying for me. That is the greatest gift and grace.


this experience came up too in early January.
the instant moment of not being able to respond further to situation
the feeling of my faithful world is collapsing,
the moment of me strongly asking, is there God


The moment when I had began to have tears, I know, He is with me all the time.
when I struggle at night time alone, He is reminding me that I am not alone.


Sometimes, thinking back, I felt grateful that somehow struggles bring me and God closer.


But sometimes, it hurts so badly.
I guess when someone is cured from cancer, he or she would still remember those harsh time fighting the disease.
Even though, we are told this is over.
but carrying the scars is the price we paying for the sins we did.


I am no longer the one I used to be.
for that day at SEEC, I decided it's the path i am taking to bring myself to maturity, and narrower and harder path.


But God, even though, I have all the knowledge in my head now, this is a complete other level.


我 們 曉 得 萬 事 都 互 相 效 力 、 叫 愛 　 神 的 人 得 益 處 、 就 是 按 他 旨 意 被 召 的 人 
And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.


sometimes, I asked again
益 處?
can i not do anything, stopped all relationship with people so that I can protect myself safely in my own shell.
I know this is not He wanted.
there is a voice telling me, love other people less, the chances of getting hurt and betrayed would also reduce.
that voice telling me, love those who you know they are worth it. love those you care only.


the temptation of the easier path, the truth about those, is actually telling me to love myself more than anything.


He told us to love everyone like loving ourselves, or even MORE than loving ourselves.


God I know If I am not forgiven if I am not forgiving.


but right now I pray 
only Your will, not mine.