It's my first time witnessing people getting baptized after my baptism half an year ago.
Those familiar faces with peace and joy on their faces reminded that good times in April.
SEEC sharings, testimony, calling,getting baptized
I had the same facial expression like anyone of them today.
Seeing a 14 year old teen declaring his faith on front if everyone, admitting all the wrongs and ignorance. I envy him.
Hearing testimonies of those laid their past before God, I envy them.
I looked at the cross, light streaming through casting a bright cross on the carpet.
Heart suddenly in deep pain
Keeping myself busy and tired could help myself to lock the memories away.
But nothing could be hidden before the cross
I surrendered.
Flash back of memories is bearable
Flash back of emotions is heart breakingly painful
At least having working to control myself, memories are facts, they are history
Yet the feelings I had, I could still feel it
Re-grasping those breathless moments
At the admiralty platform..
On the bench near home, my Sony ericsson phone boiling against my ear
On the path at victoria park
The bench at time sqaure
On the cx plane covering half of my face with the duvet, burying into the pillow using all energy to not make a sound when all light is out during the journey
On the coach leaning in the icy cold window, avoiding catchin Sally's attention
Back at no.48, first time bursting into tears in front if my beat friend after knowing her for
More than a year
Nights of waking up before the sun rise, staring into nothing
I had those moments, yet remembering the first Sunday service at st.barts, when tears of relief (not sadness) began to stream down the face when the song king if kings majesty was sung.
Remembering the lyrics of 'all within me cries out in praise'
I knew God is with me, even it means of going through the tough times
I lived those days with joy abd faith
Past does not affect me, as long as my faith going stronger and rooted
Today I looked at myself
Everything has changed
I speak harsh words, I am easily angered, easily envy the others
I thought of myself standing in the same place a couple months ago
Smiling, holding bunches of flowers in my hands, receiving supports and blessings from my brothers sisters and friends
It seemed so long ago
Where have I been?
That me may deserve all the love from the others
Now
What's happening ?
Why is it so fruatrating?
I saw them gleaming in joy in being together
But is it my problem then that I can't see any good changes in myself
Or even happiness?
Why those could easily search for happiness
And leaving a long term pain for another?
Mum you said I had a choice
Jess you told me to be good to myself and don't think of things that had hurt you
It's me putting salt onto the wounds
I didn't let god heal it
Because I hadn't been able to forgive co pletely of what she and he did
I dont want to be healed,
As it is too much to touch on it and face it
Saying bad things to you didn't make me feel better
But I feel secure to shield up
I miss myself too but perhaps it's me who murdered her
So that I am protected
When I reached this point , I already can't see what's before me
