Releasing

It feels so good to be back in close relationship with God.

Though at the beginning, I almost felt leading worship and bible study could be a burden.
I didnt know how to squeeze anymore time out of such tight schedules,
but God you really are amazing, there are only so much we could do but you made us complete, made us as a whole.

As I read more about Jonah, the sharing time with my dear Sis Tracy, and the practice worship time with the brothers and sisters, God I see how you want us to build this close fellowship with each other, by encouraging and praying for each other, in your name.

I am glad and grateful that I could be part of your great plan Lord.
At certain points, I have doubts whether I could really lead the bible study when I physically havent sorted out my problems yet.

At first, I only see the connection of how Jonah and I were both rebellious against your decision.
I didnt understand how You could have compassion on those who doesnt even respect or treasure your grace.
I hated it that God you love those people I hated,
those who I thought took away my happiness forever

But you reminded me such valuable message, more important than the school work that I worried about, is the personal problems which I have been dealing with since so long ago.

From back than I decided to forgive, to struggling about not able to forgive and
I focus on the things I cared most. I see purity as something physical, but God you have compassion on those who turned away from sins, and changes in their life.

I proudly thought I am the one who got hurt, got scared.
But I was the one who didnt have compassion, not even for the one I thought I love.
I thought I love him
I thought I know what is best for him
I thought I do anything to meet what I considered to be perfect.

Yet you reminded me, I am also the one who needs to be forgiven, upon all the horrible words I ever spitted on people

Even I thought I am not the qualified one, you need not to use me, but you still willing to let me experience all these so I can come back to you.

Father, I laid on my bed once again, thought about the hard times when I woke up in mid-nights, in tears, at those time, even I was alone, I knew you were with me, I felt your arms embraced me.

So because I am already previledged to have your love, and you showed me eternity, faith, hope and love
I asked myself today, am I willing to take my things that could hurt me?

I couldnt help but tears already filled up my eyes
Father if only again, because you are with me, the pain that are yet to come, I am willing to take them all because I have you. If taking the pain means bringing blessings to the others , then please do so.

God, the tears I had ,each drop represented the very deep regret from the bottom of my heart
regretted I didnt love people like the way you do
yet they were joyful tears as God you brought me through all these and now I stand before you with the ones I love.

Lord, I am willing to wait, in order to be restored.
I once only cared about how to not forgive people easily, how to achieve the "fairness"
I focused on school work, I prayed for u to physically solve my problems.

But you know me so well, those problems are not the fundamental things I need to be healed.
It's myself, the pride, the grief, the hatre I had for a stranger
The blames I had on my currently loved one

Thank you today you took me to release all these in front of you
and Lord, I pray today,

Be patient, be wise
Be close to you
be faithful, be hopeful
and most importantly, be a loving person

that's meaning more than I think it is.

Father, thank you, for all the things I have, not because I am righteous cos I am not
yet you are Love.

life can be quite shattered apart when you no longer have faith

and i see mine is cracking unconsciously every sec ticking by

so it is then, another month is gone by

Not so easily to be forgiven and certainly not so easily to be forgotten

It's again one of those moments

I really start to think I should have already got used to it
It's bothering me

I don't understand,the more you love,the more forgiving you can be
The more you hate, the less forgiving one can be

It doesnt make sense now when I find it harder and harder to forgive when I m more in love
I wish someone could take my memory away

I wish I can start things over
It's frustrating when I believe I should be living free of the restrictions and value what god values

What people seems to concern or value bring constraints,
It either puts you in situation that u see no values in yourself compares to the others
It gives you doubts

The moment not sure how to deal with the pain,
I prayEd,

I miss year 1
Missing those times when both Of us so innocent
When we have so clear goals in mind

Pure Love and holiness

That's what we are after

But once I finally met my first love
The reality makes me feel
The feeling is not purely love
It comes with a mixture of things which I don't like
Including pride, jealousy, selfishness

After nearly a year now
I havent been able to completely forgive and forget what happened between the two

And

I havent been able to forgive myself of no bein able to let these go
Can't forgivE myself not able tO do what I hav promised god
Not able to forgive me not bEing able to glorify him

I am constantly living and loving with fear
That onE day; these feelings these actions
Will separate us, forever

It's true
Sins separate all relationship
That's why Jesus died for us to show the unconditional love

I really do understand
But god? This is my struggle more than anything else
There Are always problems hidden that doesn't want to be touched
Cos knowing once touched will cause another argument
We flight