I have never been in a proper relationship.
I dont dare to say I know what it feels like to be heart broken.
Yet, it hurts, over 3 years, my focus had always been on you.
People said everyone has rights to "like" someone.
I did not feel I have the right to make a love confession, because I have hurt someone with a selfish heart.
Because, I dont trust myself.
What if this isnt real? What if this is just an illusion.
I held myself back for a few years and came to this point, tired.
I dont want to follow it any more
I hated myself so much that I could almost tear myself into pieces.
I heard a voice, the good news is God loves me.
I dont care what people are saying any more, can there be any other greater Love than this?
Knowing that I should love God more than anyone,
I simply not trying hard enough.
2010年9月25日 星期六
What "waiting" has brought me
I would say I am a totally impatient person,
Yet, I recently realised that.. I am actually quite good at waiting.
Particularly, waiting for people's reply.
I waited, and waited again
Sometimes, this brought me disappointment
That empty feeling of refreshing the inbox continuously.
Sometimes, that delightful moment conquered any "emptiness"
after waiting a pretty long 3 or 4 weeks, a couple of sentences would warm up my heart.
I feel guilty.
I did not pretend that God's word has fulfilled my heart, it did, many times
However, I seek for more.
Now after waiting for so long, a chance of meeting him is coming close.
But I am letting it go
simply because "waiting" has already been a habit
The fact of not having to wait makes me anxious.
Very anxious.
Yet, I recently realised that.. I am actually quite good at waiting.
Particularly, waiting for people's reply.
I waited, and waited again
Sometimes, this brought me disappointment
That empty feeling of refreshing the inbox continuously.
Sometimes, that delightful moment conquered any "emptiness"
after waiting a pretty long 3 or 4 weeks, a couple of sentences would warm up my heart.
I feel guilty.
I did not pretend that God's word has fulfilled my heart, it did, many times
However, I seek for more.
Now after waiting for so long, a chance of meeting him is coming close.
But I am letting it go
simply because "waiting" has already been a habit
The fact of not having to wait makes me anxious.
Very anxious.
2010年9月20日 星期一
Out of control
Quoted from Uncle Brian "心越想保護一樣東西，就越辦不到 . 其中，愛情就是一個經典例"
I guess, because all humans are weak, vulnerable- so we cannot protect anything by ourselves.
Most of the time, I thought I could be tough enough to do everything on my own, neglecting fear, hesitation
Just GO GO GO all the time
but I didnt really get to anywhere.
I guess, because all humans are weak, vulnerable- so we cannot protect anything by ourselves.
Most of the time, I thought I could be tough enough to do everything on my own, neglecting fear, hesitation
Just GO GO GO all the time
but I didnt really get to anywhere.
2010年9月19日 星期日
Creator vs Master
"Life is meaningful" - Theme for the welcoming event of BCCF 2010
Tracy and I came up with the idea of " life is only meaningful when we know who our creator is"
Today, I get to experienced such idea.
The sermon today was on John Gospel: that we have to remain in Jesus in order to gain fruitful life.
Definitely not my first time of hearing the story, but could feel the strong connection to our drama script.
When the two wind-up toys- created: one forgetting her purpose of life, forgetting her identity- relationship with "Papa"
I am glad to be back in England because the environment would really drag me to God closer, much more powerful than being in an urban city because there is private time, and be with the natures.
I havent been able to "appreciate" what God has created for us, the sky, the trees, rocks etc
After a long summer in Hong Kong, I seemed to have forgotten about the "creator", target is lost...and not sure where I am heading to from time to time.
He gave me the opportunity to serve people at the O-camp in HK.
Having taken a lot of photographs, being able to review the good times...
I realised...i was hardly in any of the pictures
At once, I felt abit lonely...perhaps,
left out.
And then, something touching happened
Some people, wrote some lovely comments, no matter just a simple word of "thank you", or "like' my photos
People are aware of me..well at least someone did appreciate my work.
Somehow, not trying to rate myself as God metaphorically,
However, no one can deny the fact that I was with them all the way where the pictures were taken.
We could not see God, but doesnt mean he is not with us.
and, when people are aware of me, I felt grateful that this reminds me the position of God.
Allowing me to be aware of his existence, the great creator of all
Behind every picture, there is a great master, the director.
Hmm, though I am a long way from being 'great'
Tracy and I came up with the idea of " life is only meaningful when we know who our creator is"
Today, I get to experienced such idea.
The sermon today was on John Gospel: that we have to remain in Jesus in order to gain fruitful life.
Definitely not my first time of hearing the story, but could feel the strong connection to our drama script.
When the two wind-up toys- created: one forgetting her purpose of life, forgetting her identity- relationship with "Papa"
I am glad to be back in England because the environment would really drag me to God closer, much more powerful than being in an urban city because there is private time, and be with the natures.
I havent been able to "appreciate" what God has created for us, the sky, the trees, rocks etc
After a long summer in Hong Kong, I seemed to have forgotten about the "creator", target is lost...and not sure where I am heading to from time to time.
He gave me the opportunity to serve people at the O-camp in HK.
Having taken a lot of photographs, being able to review the good times...
I realised...i was hardly in any of the pictures
At once, I felt abit lonely...perhaps,
left out.
And then, something touching happened
Some people, wrote some lovely comments, no matter just a simple word of "thank you", or "like' my photos
People are aware of me..well at least someone did appreciate my work.
Somehow, not trying to rate myself as God metaphorically,
However, no one can deny the fact that I was with them all the way where the pictures were taken.
We could not see God, but doesnt mean he is not with us.
and, when people are aware of me, I felt grateful that this reminds me the position of God.
Allowing me to be aware of his existence, the great creator of all
Behind every picture, there is a great master, the director.
Hmm, though I am a long way from being 'great'
2010年9月18日 星期六
A Casa
Feels so great to be home :)
Not having to worry about anything
"shelter"- lying on my bed, seeing the beaming sunlight filtering through
Not tense at all
Indeed, architecture could embrace people, providing what they need, protecting them
I did not get it though, until I get to know God, through my dearest people
There is no proper shelters in the world, It is impossible to prevent/predict any sudden disaster
"Shelter" is God
She told me how she witnessed people, smiling, being hopeful even they lose their home.
I am grateful that I do not have to go through such pain so far in my life
But grace comes from God,
I once felt very distant, suspicious if he actually could hear my prayer.
Giving up architecture, taking up some "nice and easy" routes
Because I did not want to face the coming stress.
But he is the real architect who embraces people's heart.
If I can make a decision now,
I want to be an architect, not just embracing people within buildings, but trying to embrace their heart too.
which....is a life lasting lesson
Not having to worry about anything
"shelter"- lying on my bed, seeing the beaming sunlight filtering through
Not tense at all
Indeed, architecture could embrace people, providing what they need, protecting them
I did not get it though, until I get to know God, through my dearest people
There is no proper shelters in the world, It is impossible to prevent/predict any sudden disaster
"Shelter" is God
She told me how she witnessed people, smiling, being hopeful even they lose their home.
I am grateful that I do not have to go through such pain so far in my life
But grace comes from God,
I once felt very distant, suspicious if he actually could hear my prayer.
Giving up architecture, taking up some "nice and easy" routes
Because I did not want to face the coming stress.
But he is the real architect who embraces people's heart.
If I can make a decision now,
I want to be an architect, not just embracing people within buildings, but trying to embrace their heart too.
which....is a life lasting lesson
2010年9月13日 星期一
Regretful farewell
Message dedicated to Miranda Szeto
Miranda Szeto,
Still remembering meeting her at first sight,
The atmosphere around her seemed air-tight
That interview, I would say, didnt go awful.
I could not dare take my eyes off from hers because
she has such overwhelming power when she speaks.
At the beginning, she never really had a glance at me
I felt so small within this PAD department, this whole company.
Trying harder and harder,
She really offered me opportunities.
It's not that she never looked at me,
The truth is I always avoided her.
Not until, one day I heard her complimented my performance in front of my supervisor.
She wanted me to extend my work period,
I thought "perhaps, she needed me"
From then I began to look at her directly in the eyes whenever I get a chance to.
At first pretending, and then getting used to talk to her confidently.
She has taught me the attitude towards work.
First impression: pony tail, neat, smile, simplicity, confidence
That is all I need.
Her reference letter is one of my key encouraging documents apart from the bible.
I always looked forward to see her again
I applied the same company again this year but to a different department.
I was just about to ready, to tell her the good news
However, it was all of a sudden.
Passed away because of cancer, the most painful one
That regretful pain,
I did not forget, until now.
She perhaps, not yet a proper friend
Somehow, in my life so far, she played an important role
I worked hard
I thought she could see me growing into a woman like her (or be better than her)
Was all too late
I never really expected such short noticed farewell
I wish I could see her again
If there would be another boss like her
so thoughtful, so kind, so tough
I miss her
I guess, no one would like this feeling, of being "left behind"
Exactly how I felt, right at this moment.
But she is really one of the nicest person I have ever seen...
She is gone.
Forever
Miranda Szeto,
Still remembering meeting her at first sight,
The atmosphere around her seemed air-tight
That interview, I would say, didnt go awful.
I could not dare take my eyes off from hers because
she has such overwhelming power when she speaks.
At the beginning, she never really had a glance at me
I felt so small within this PAD department, this whole company.
Trying harder and harder,
She really offered me opportunities.
It's not that she never looked at me,
The truth is I always avoided her.
Not until, one day I heard her complimented my performance in front of my supervisor.
She wanted me to extend my work period,
I thought "perhaps, she needed me"
From then I began to look at her directly in the eyes whenever I get a chance to.
At first pretending, and then getting used to talk to her confidently.
She has taught me the attitude towards work.
First impression: pony tail, neat, smile, simplicity, confidence
That is all I need.
Her reference letter is one of my key encouraging documents apart from the bible.
I always looked forward to see her again
I applied the same company again this year but to a different department.
I was just about to ready, to tell her the good news
However, it was all of a sudden.
Passed away because of cancer, the most painful one
That regretful pain,
I did not forget, until now.
She perhaps, not yet a proper friend
Somehow, in my life so far, she played an important role
I worked hard
I thought she could see me growing into a woman like her (or be better than her)
Was all too late
I never really expected such short noticed farewell
I wish I could see her again
If there would be another boss like her
so thoughtful, so kind, so tough
I miss her
I guess, no one would like this feeling, of being "left behind"
Exactly how I felt, right at this moment.
But she is really one of the nicest person I have ever seen...
She is gone.
Forever
Observer
Today was helping out and mum's shop.
As usual, time ticking away,
As expected, not many people.
Suddenly, a guy came in
Wearing a black T-shirt, looking like any guy you can find on the street...
I thought he came in to sell things, or...giving out leaflets
He simply pointed at the bag by the display window,
I nodded.
My mum knows who he is.
He came before, with a girl.
I began to write his bill
He asked "You normally close the shop on Sunday?
I looked up
Conversation continues:
"Where do you work?"
"Tsim Sha Tsui"
"You came all the way from Tsim Sha Tsui?"
"No, it's my day off. I live in Yuen Long"
I smiled secretly.
"For your girlfriend?"
"Yes, was going to get this for her birthday, but now for her work"
I saw my mum, wrapping up the bag nicely for him
I handed in the bill with both hands, he smiled and took the bag from my mum.
Walking out of the shop promptly.
I looked out at the window, watching his back disappearing in a distance.
As an observer, I cant help, but feeling envious for the first time for that girl.
As usual, time ticking away,
As expected, not many people.
Suddenly, a guy came in
Wearing a black T-shirt, looking like any guy you can find on the street...
I thought he came in to sell things, or...giving out leaflets
He simply pointed at the bag by the display window,
I nodded.
My mum knows who he is.
He came before, with a girl.
I began to write his bill
He asked "You normally close the shop on Sunday?
I looked up
Conversation continues:
"Where do you work?"
"Tsim Sha Tsui"
"You came all the way from Tsim Sha Tsui?"
"No, it's my day off. I live in Yuen Long"
I smiled secretly.
"For your girlfriend?"
"Yes, was going to get this for her birthday, but now for her work"
I saw my mum, wrapping up the bag nicely for him
I handed in the bill with both hands, he smiled and took the bag from my mum.
Walking out of the shop promptly.
I looked out at the window, watching his back disappearing in a distance.
As an observer, I cant help, but feeling envious for the first time for that girl.
Las cosas que no sabes
The things you dont know
"'What' and ‘if’ two words as nonthreatening
as words come. But put
them together side-by-side and they
have the power to haunt you for the
rest of your life: ‘What if?...
Indeed, these words have been haunting me for years.
I pray that I will be given the strength
When I want to forget about you, I thought of you.
When I thought of you, I miss everything about you
and
I do because you dont know anything about this.
It's a contradiction,
of following God's will,
and my heart....
I begin to question myself,
Am I really a Christian?
I thought I have been walking with God all the way long,
I did, but I look at else where...seeking for "what if".
訂閱：
文章 (Atom)