Take everything Away

Take everything away
Take my memory
Take my emotions

Take my energy away

Sometimes I feel that my brain is enemy
Sometimes I wish I am a different person with different ways of thinking

From so long ago I have been praying I could see things in new way,live a different way.

Because I am exhausted of being who I am
Dreams and sleep are my temporary shelter

No matter how rebellious I feel, I still have to get up and knowing life still goes on
And honestly, I don't like the rule
Don't think I will make it there

Perhaps it's the other way round

Recently couldnt get the idea out of my mind :s

What if it was me causing people unhappiness

what if it's me?

Can physical contacts be absent in a relationship?

If so, does that mean there is no sparks?

How does one know it is really love, but not any other reason?

There are so many things I dont understand

and not knowing what to do

not knowing, 

is frustrating.

focus

focusing on the others made time flies faster

made me less focus on my own things
made me less concerned

is this why i like focusing on other people just hoping time goes a little faster so i dont have to spend too much energy to think about my own matter?
it's exhausting and painful to look at my own things

perhaps helping the others made myself see my own values more
and this is the way ive been living till now.

each words of anger  are like sharp spikes,
love is not like this isnt it?

out accusing each other, to bring sense of victory and satisfications
and ending up with wounds that are still bleeding.

is it me who doesnt want to be healed? so I dont deserved to be healed?
When I truly pray to be healed, why do I still feel the pain and anger inside me?

if other people can get my focus away and let time goes a little faster, to me, my life is a little easier.

Offer

Hi Cheung Jau, havent been there since Jan.

Last time I went there with a heavy heart, but with a really nice group of support friends. Remained strong, remained in faith.

Today, went back there again and didnt realise the town is quite pretty at night. The environment didnt change much, but I feel I am different. 

nice place, innocent people, heart warming greetings, country music.

Different from seeing drunk people, club music, all distraction delaying people to see the most precious thing in life.

Not about 'having fun'

But spending as much time as you can with people you love.

I looked up the sky at the hill top, I saw the sea, the clear sky and the moon. 

I only prayed for one thing at that moment.

"I want to use my remaining time to love God and people I know"

recalled all the struggles and sins I committed in the past days.

I had pride, I felt I deserved to be treated in a better way.

I am exhausted, for hating someone so badly. I never hated a person so badly in my life i felt everything were taken away and against me. I even felt she ruined my life, mucked up my plan. I looked down on that person because I felt she had no rights to take away anything cos she doesnt even deserve to mess around. 

Yeh, I know so many pretty girls who mess around her, but I really dont get what boys see in their eyes.

I didnt understand when I looked at her face, how could one still smile like that. 

I hate her because she could easily selfishly do such shameful things. 

I once prayed and asked God to punish her, if not, then punish me.

God, it isnt fair. I came a long way. 

I hated the TV, hated all those movies magazines projecting and making sex so disgraceful.

When I believe it's the best thing you created to make two people closer in their marriage, it should be out of love.

Why nowadays, I just see it as the most disgusting thing ever.

Why people cheat their husband or wife behind their back?

Why people do it for fun

Why people do it for money

Why I asked too many times even I am sick of asking

Last week, I thought, if this world is so disgusting, I want to die. Let me die now. 

I really dont want to see anymore.

I am scared, I am afraid. I feel like to vomit.

Reading the Lost Son story really made me cry.

I couldnt help it, I have to admitt, I am exactly like the older son.

God you love those I hate. They dont know you  and you forgive them.

This puts me into deep guilt everytime when I thought of the past experience.

God it is so hard to forgive. I cared about myself, getting hurt and betrayed, and You care about her.

You care about all those people committing sins out there.

Today, I said to myself, God loves you.

I didnt really feel the Love before when other people kept saying it around me.

But I felt it today.

and I want to tell You,

I am tired of using my standard to judge the world

I am tired to critising people's sins

I am tired of living in shame and guilt.

God today as Mid-autumn festival, I see lots of Love out there.

I see You too.

Today I particularly miss Gor Gor

He didnt know, he was badly wounded in relationship.

But his testimony is a real blessing to me.

For he had already overcome because of You.

And I want to believe too, One day my experience, can bless the others too.

I can overcome anything, because Love overcomes sins.

Happy Mid -Autumn Festival

I really miss Sin Gor gor today.

Knowing the coming bible study would be on Romans, finally got some quiet time to sit down and read.
At the beginning, perhaps part of me was seeking for some kind of comfort from God's words. Some truth and faithful promises. Reading from chapter 1 onwards,
 paused on 8:25: 但 我 們 若 盼 望 那 所 不 見 的 、 就 必 忍 耐 等 候 



then I knew what is coming next, after having read this popular verse over so many times at church
 8:26 況 且 我 們 的 軟 弱 有 聖 靈 幫 助 、 我 們 本 不 曉 得 當 怎 樣 禱 告 、 只 是 聖 靈 親 自 用 說 不 出 來 的 歎 息 、 替 我 們 禱 告


But it felt so different this time, this verse touched me , at the very deep end of my heart.





Couldnt explain the urge to cry out loud


when thinking back, for so many times I sat down, I knew exactly my problems, and I knew it's out of my power. 
That day, sitting under the tree at that playground.  I hated heat, but I needed a corner to sit down and pray to God.


strange things do happened, it was one of the hottest day in summer, i sat out there for probably more than half an hour, I was cooled. felt protected. As I prayed, the scene of Jonah praying to God in anger appeared in my mind. Jonah exactly prayed out what was in my mind 
 "take away please, my soul from me, for my dying is better than my being alive" Jonah 4:3


I could not avoid the fact that there is a strong sense of anger embedding within my heart.
I felt like I wanted to shout to God, at the same time I know He loves me. it's a mixture of feelings that I find no other words to explain.


My biggest enemy is: lack of faith in people, probably that's implying in God too.
8:26 況 且 我 們 的 軟 弱 有 聖 靈 幫 助 、 我 們 本 不 曉 得 當 怎 樣 禱 告 、 只 是 聖 靈 親 自 用 說 不 出 來 的 歎 息 、 替 我 們 禱 告


No other words can be more comforting than this.
When I sat down, not knowing what to say, not knowing how to pray.
God is already praying for me. That is the greatest gift and grace.


this experience came up too in early January.
the instant moment of not being able to respond further to situation
the feeling of my faithful world is collapsing,
the moment of me strongly asking, is there God


The moment when I had began to have tears, I know, He is with me all the time.
when I struggle at night time alone, He is reminding me that I am not alone.


Sometimes, thinking back, I felt grateful that somehow struggles bring me and God closer.


But sometimes, it hurts so badly.
I guess when someone is cured from cancer, he or she would still remember those harsh time fighting the disease.
Even though, we are told this is over.
but carrying the scars is the price we paying for the sins we did.


I am no longer the one I used to be.
for that day at SEEC, I decided it's the path i am taking to bring myself to maturity, and narrower and harder path.


But God, even though, I have all the knowledge in my head now, this is a complete other level.


我 們 曉 得 萬 事 都 互 相 效 力 、 叫 愛 　 神 的 人 得 益 處 、 就 是 按 他 旨 意 被 召 的 人 
And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.


sometimes, I asked again
益 處?
can i not do anything, stopped all relationship with people so that I can protect myself safely in my own shell.
I know this is not He wanted.
there is a voice telling me, love other people less, the chances of getting hurt and betrayed would also reduce.
that voice telling me, love those who you know they are worth it. love those you care only.


the temptation of the easier path, the truth about those, is actually telling me to love myself more than anything.


He told us to love everyone like loving ourselves, or even MORE than loving ourselves.


God I know If I am not forgiven if I am not forgiving.


but right now I pray 
only Your will, not mine.

Disgusting movies

Disgusting people

Revolting places, revolting actions, haunting memories

Cant explain more how much I hate sins

and Hate to know, hate to accept

that I don't have any rights because after all I am a sinner too.