Offer

Hi Cheung Jau, havent been there since Jan.

Last time I went there with a heavy heart, but with a really nice group of support friends. Remained strong, remained in faith.

Today, went back there again and didnt realise the town is quite pretty at night. The environment didnt change much, but I feel I am different. 

nice place, innocent people, heart warming greetings, country music.

Different from seeing drunk people, club music, all distraction delaying people to see the most precious thing in life.

Not about 'having fun'

But spending as much time as you can with people you love.

I looked up the sky at the hill top, I saw the sea, the clear sky and the moon. 

I only prayed for one thing at that moment.

"I want to use my remaining time to love God and people I know"

recalled all the struggles and sins I committed in the past days.

I had pride, I felt I deserved to be treated in a better way.

I am exhausted, for hating someone so badly. I never hated a person so badly in my life i felt everything were taken away and against me. I even felt she ruined my life, mucked up my plan. I looked down on that person because I felt she had no rights to take away anything cos she doesnt even deserve to mess around. 

Yeh, I know so many pretty girls who mess around her, but I really dont get what boys see in their eyes.

I didnt understand when I looked at her face, how could one still smile like that. 

I hate her because she could easily selfishly do such shameful things. 

I once prayed and asked God to punish her, if not, then punish me.

God, it isnt fair. I came a long way. 

I hated the TV, hated all those movies magazines projecting and making sex so disgraceful.

When I believe it's the best thing you created to make two people closer in their marriage, it should be out of love.

Why nowadays, I just see it as the most disgusting thing ever.

Why people cheat their husband or wife behind their back?

Why people do it for fun

Why people do it for money

Why I asked too many times even I am sick of asking

Last week, I thought, if this world is so disgusting, I want to die. Let me die now. 

I really dont want to see anymore.

I am scared, I am afraid. I feel like to vomit.

Reading the Lost Son story really made me cry.

I couldnt help it, I have to admitt, I am exactly like the older son.

God you love those I hate. They dont know you  and you forgive them.

This puts me into deep guilt everytime when I thought of the past experience.

God it is so hard to forgive. I cared about myself, getting hurt and betrayed, and You care about her.

You care about all those people committing sins out there.

Today, I said to myself, God loves you.

I didnt really feel the Love before when other people kept saying it around me.

But I felt it today.

and I want to tell You,

I am tired of using my standard to judge the world

I am tired to critising people's sins

I am tired of living in shame and guilt.

God today as Mid-autumn festival, I see lots of Love out there.

I see You too.

Today I particularly miss Gor Gor

He didnt know, he was badly wounded in relationship.

But his testimony is a real blessing to me.

For he had already overcome because of You.

And I want to believe too, One day my experience, can bless the others too.

I can overcome anything, because Love overcomes sins.

Happy Mid -Autumn Festival

I really miss Sin Gor gor today.

Knowing the coming bible study would be on Romans, finally got some quiet time to sit down and read.
At the beginning, perhaps part of me was seeking for some kind of comfort from God's words. Some truth and faithful promises. Reading from chapter 1 onwards,
 paused on 8:25: 但 我 們 若 盼 望 那 所 不 見 的 、 就 必 忍 耐 等 候 



then I knew what is coming next, after having read this popular verse over so many times at church
 8:26 況 且 我 們 的 軟 弱 有 聖 靈 幫 助 、 我 們 本 不 曉 得 當 怎 樣 禱 告 、 只 是 聖 靈 親 自 用 說 不 出 來 的 歎 息 、 替 我 們 禱 告


But it felt so different this time, this verse touched me , at the very deep end of my heart.





Couldnt explain the urge to cry out loud


when thinking back, for so many times I sat down, I knew exactly my problems, and I knew it's out of my power. 
That day, sitting under the tree at that playground.  I hated heat, but I needed a corner to sit down and pray to God.


strange things do happened, it was one of the hottest day in summer, i sat out there for probably more than half an hour, I was cooled. felt protected. As I prayed, the scene of Jonah praying to God in anger appeared in my mind. Jonah exactly prayed out what was in my mind 
 "take away please, my soul from me, for my dying is better than my being alive" Jonah 4:3


I could not avoid the fact that there is a strong sense of anger embedding within my heart.
I felt like I wanted to shout to God, at the same time I know He loves me. it's a mixture of feelings that I find no other words to explain.


My biggest enemy is: lack of faith in people, probably that's implying in God too.
8:26 況 且 我 們 的 軟 弱 有 聖 靈 幫 助 、 我 們 本 不 曉 得 當 怎 樣 禱 告 、 只 是 聖 靈 親 自 用 說 不 出 來 的 歎 息 、 替 我 們 禱 告


No other words can be more comforting than this.
When I sat down, not knowing what to say, not knowing how to pray.
God is already praying for me. That is the greatest gift and grace.


this experience came up too in early January.
the instant moment of not being able to respond further to situation
the feeling of my faithful world is collapsing,
the moment of me strongly asking, is there God


The moment when I had began to have tears, I know, He is with me all the time.
when I struggle at night time alone, He is reminding me that I am not alone.


Sometimes, thinking back, I felt grateful that somehow struggles bring me and God closer.


But sometimes, it hurts so badly.
I guess when someone is cured from cancer, he or she would still remember those harsh time fighting the disease.
Even though, we are told this is over.
but carrying the scars is the price we paying for the sins we did.


I am no longer the one I used to be.
for that day at SEEC, I decided it's the path i am taking to bring myself to maturity, and narrower and harder path.


But God, even though, I have all the knowledge in my head now, this is a complete other level.


我 們 曉 得 萬 事 都 互 相 效 力 、 叫 愛 　 神 的 人 得 益 處 、 就 是 按 他 旨 意 被 召 的 人 
And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.


sometimes, I asked again
益 處?
can i not do anything, stopped all relationship with people so that I can protect myself safely in my own shell.
I know this is not He wanted.
there is a voice telling me, love other people less, the chances of getting hurt and betrayed would also reduce.
that voice telling me, love those who you know they are worth it. love those you care only.


the temptation of the easier path, the truth about those, is actually telling me to love myself more than anything.


He told us to love everyone like loving ourselves, or even MORE than loving ourselves.


God I know If I am not forgiven if I am not forgiving.


but right now I pray 
only Your will, not mine.

Disgusting movies

Disgusting people

Revolting places, revolting actions, haunting memories

Cant explain more how much I hate sins

and Hate to know, hate to accept

that I don't have any rights because after all I am a sinner too.

Moments

How many precious moments does one remember in their lifetime?

and...

how many awful moments does one remember in their lifetime?

People take lots of photos to help them remembering all the happy joyful moments

there are rarely pictures of people experiencing hard time.

Is it people trying to forget or those moments simply not worth remembering.

In reality, those moments stick clearer in your head, the more you wanted to forget about them.

Work and then work, and then late again.
Felt like I am losing time, at least glad to spend a rush hour with the St.Helen's girls.
Apparently, I hadnt changed at all, still being the old-self Sharon,

in their eyes.

But I am not feeling that proud to be the old-self, nor proud of my current state either.
Making silly jokes like the old innocent time, feeling warm, loved and cared.
So this is what people all looking for in their life time, to be loved and cared.

It makes you feel you are important, it makes you feel you wanted to be more devoted.

I sat down by one of those MTR station seats, the girl next to me was crawled up, half unconsciously mourning.
Drunk, I thought she was.

Both trains came round twice, she didnt make a move, nor did I.

I looked at her for awhile. There were people walking by, perhaps gave her a look and carried on walking.
One or two mid-aged men came along and started talking to her.

that's quite dangerous.
I waited there for awhile, hoping someone nice could come along.
Or may be I shouldve done something.

People like me, knows exactly that getting drunk is not so a sensible thing to do
When i look at her, I envy her. yet deep down, perhaps I was laughing at her too.

I envy her, laid down her guards and entering into her own world and there will still be people looking after her.

Laughing at her, just simply how stupid the whole situation look.

I gave myself a cold laugh. What an evil person I am.
showing a sign of compassion?

the train heading to central soon arrived again, she seemed to be alright to have 2 women looking after her. I walked on to the train, still looking at her from a distance.

since when , for a short while, perhaps I am looking for that flash of freedom.

But no, waking up from this is more painful.
meeting someone drunk when you are sober is quite a painful thing.

You see their pain, but they dont see yours.

I know my home, is handling all my burdens over to God. My ultimate home.

I know where I belong to
but I just cant grab it tight, and losing it all.

Too much expectation kills

Loving someone nice is easy

Loving someone and embracing all is difficult.

Knowing more hurts with reality

Knowing less hurts with over imaginations

It's true that when we ve done something terribly wrong, we dont have to die straight away

but what comes next is more painful than death.

when that only thing kept in my mind is, no matter how painful it is, we are all living under God's grace.

This gives me hope, yet putting me into a bottomless hole.

Fearless. Riding on a roller coaster

What a weird feeling to see someone holding onto someone else when you know he once loved another girl.

At that moment, I wasnt sure about eternity

When two people once were so closed and believed they would be together forever,

how disappointing when one turned back and loved another person?

1.02am, I felt I didnt belong there at all.

People seemed like having an amazing time around me. 

And how many of them were aware of what they were doing?

How many of them were truly having a good time, or just showing people they are having a good time?

One told me "you only know how to appreciate alcohol when you have experienced its greatness"

I said "like you only know you really believe in Jesus when you have experienced his greatness"

Laugh, just laugh at me here.

Suddenly, I fear, fear of people around me.

What if things went out of control?

I had to leave, really have to.

Despite after having such a long day of work, no toilet break, non-digestible lunch

I understand the temptation to just go wild and free, and just NOT having to worry or think about anything and enjoy the presence.

After tired of faith going up and down hill constantly, and re-thinking all the goods and bads in the past

tending to find a way out of this.

Even just for that very split moment

I want to let go of faith, that I think it's restricting me, putting me in all sort of difficult situations

Yet I know I have to hold on to it.

How can we say we dont like food but we still eat? Because we need to survive.

I fear the temptation of giving up yourself for sins.

Yet, I fear more losing interest in living.

When life not matters to you anymore, there is nothing else to care.

Then it hits me.

When we lose our ambition, doesnt care about anything or even your own life, perhaps, it's self-defending.

Because, life is so unpredictable.

Before you scream, your journey on the roller coaster already ends.

I began to pray,

one thing I would remember by heart today

you only know it's sweet, when you have experienced the bitter and sour part of life

When life is too perfect, then is this really "living"?

The breath you take when you are happy probably a lot smoother than those moment you felt like pain is taking your breath away.

You probably not enjoying the bitter part, but do believe, you then would really get to appreciate the sweetness in life

Be Fearless, 

in other words, 

believe 

believe and enjoy all the up and downs.

laugh out loud, cry out loud and dont miss out a thing

 

Tears brought us closer

It's never been so painful since last Christmas.

Though been dealing with all the struggles after all these months, it came to a point where I got lost and not able to see where I am and where I am heading to.

When I ask God for help, i want to know exactly the right way to love.

When I said I want to give up, I thought this is the right thing to do and I would feel peace at heart for doing something that I thought God would appreciate.

But after having said that, I couldnt feel the peace.

Unlike last time, I knew it was right to keep a distance. At Christmas, it was painful but i could feel the peace.

This time I couldnt, whether becos the love has grown even stronger than before, or...perhaps I was really discouraged and lost.

I feel today, theres a reason why I ve made the decision to find you, to be there for you.
I want to know, I prayed and asked God.

when we both gave in ourselves and the truthful tears

nothing can replace it

Even I am the only one focusing on God, I shall protect both of us because I should believe that since i ve made the decision, God is walking with me.

Unless one day He has to take you away from me, then I'll obey and accept.

let now...we could both rest in His Arm, enjoying the seed of peace growing within our heart.

Thanks for your hand, for holding on to mine tightly.