password

sharonsin

words of comfort

For a couple of days, I tried to work, to sleep to fill up a very busy time schedule so that I can switch my focus from something else.

Somehow, I began to handle all these alone and yet after all, only Your promise and your words are my comfort, my hope and my faith.

Being a Christian,

I feel so unspeakably glad that I could tell my Father in Heaven

Father, I am really exhausted.

Exhausted from being hurt, exhausted from speaking words that did not glorify you, spoke words that dishonor you.

at this time of night, being alone, in a strange city

So glad, You are with me all the time.

" Lord, how are they increased that trouble me! many are they that rise up against me.

 Many there be which say of my soul, There is no help for him in God. Selah.

But thou, O LORD, art a shield for me; my glory, and the lifter up of mine head.

I cried unto the LORD with my voice, and he heard me out of his holy hill. Selah.

I laid me down and slept; I awaked; for the LORD sustained me.

I will not be afraid of ten thousands of people, that have set themselves against me round about."

Psalms 3:3-6

at this time moment, only your words sustained me,

your words comforted me

and I can cry in your embrace.

Thank you Lord, my Father

thank you so much for teaching me a valuable lesson

Thank you for listening to my prayer

You are amazing.

I am so scared, and dare not to think my life without you.

When I am alone, I am not lonely, 

when people spoke words to hurt me

You are there to tell me, I am valuable to You.

so You sacrificed yourself for me.

and let me know at this moment, I am deeply loved by you.

even I dont speak of anything, you knew everything about me.

Once I thought you probably were the person who could really see me.

and knows what I need, and be there for me.

seems turning out

after all we couldnt do anything for each other.

when you probably used to read my heart here

I guess you have already forgotten about this

New and Old

When the new one is there

the old one get forgotten

It seems true, at least in reality.

Sometimes there are things I dont want new ones,

I dont want to worship a "new" God.
 Not new parents

perhaps new friends we are meeting in everyday life

And I never thought in the future, perhaps

a new boyfriend.

and before that,

I want a new self.

Thanks fOr being honest,

So I don't have to live in lies anymore

I will not look back now, had enough of lies

If one can't handle himself,he can't handle relationship

The worst thing is you probably I think I would be happy to hear the truth when u have made up for it

From my experience,when have you ever made up for it

You cannot lie to me

No matter there is a present or not, you should never lied
So that I won't feel so stupid

I wish I hadn't spend a time or effort in Xmas to see you or to get you anything
Because

You never truly cared

Your selfishness is utterly making me disappointed

At certain times, I don't see any hope or faith in this relationship

It's a lot of stress and worries that you don't understand

We treasure different things in life leads to at the end of the day we will go in separate ways

Now it's just the matter of time

It's frustration when i know this separation

I can't share joy and peace that I gained from serving other
It could be double the joy when you could get it too

But at the end of the day,this feeling of separation halve the joy I had

Cos I couldn't share this with you

Even though u were meant to be the
Close one to me

after tonight, I will not let myself to cry again over this

it's enough of meaningless tears, misunderstanding, disappointment.

let it all end

so I can be back to where I was

I guess all people want to be loved and know that they are wanted.

Just at this age, we are too up for ourselves, chasing for our career desire more than anything else.
We are not ready to look out for each other, Not ready to take care another's feeling.

nothing felt right

I should know from the beginning.

when you would rather print your own company brochure than walking home with me from work when I was ill

when you were furious with me and left me vomiting by the pier

when you made me waited for countless time because of your poor time management

Yet, I wanted to believe, because at those times I felt I was deeply loved by you.
When you would do silly voice recording and walking me home and late night even though you catching the last train back to bath

yes, a guy would do anything for a girl when they are not together

and once together, I feel I am nothing more important when you could delay your promise all the time and promised you would change for better.

at my 21st birthday, you promised me you would do better

better organisation

it's co-incidence then, that you didnt have time to prepare anything
 co-incidence that you had to work all xmas and turned out you didnt do much at singapore

december anniversay, you promised you would make changes and asked me to wait

xmas eve, you said similar things

even just before i left bath, you said wait till your exams all finished

now everything is "finished", all you said is you promise you will do better

nothing is ever finished. I told you from the start.

Summer, wait till your summer internship finish
Birthday wait till your friends are gone
Semester 1, wait till your crit is over, wait till your deadline is over
Now, wait till your job searching is over,

Now, I tell you wait till this relationship is over

You dont have to do anything for me, ever again

Thanks for all you did in the past

May be there are other girls who are more suitable
for you

who can fully accept what you did, can accept how messy you are and dont give a shit
so you guys can be messy together since you said no matter what effort I put into organising your room it doesnt affect you. Yes, what maid does doesnt affect you.

Only I think if i ever help others to do such thing, they would appreciate more than you do

I had enough of all these

Time changed,people changed

That's all

‎"Watch your thoughts for they become words. Watch your words for they become actions. Watch your actions for they become habits. Watch your habits, for they become your character. And watch your character, for it becomes your destiny! What we think we become"


"If you want anything said, ask a man. If you want something done, ask a woman."


You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it


its a marathon where I dont know where the finish line is

New year resolution

I have one main resolution this year
I have to sort out this feeling...Need to pray hard for God to give me strength for forgiveness.

Even though it hurts if the picture of that person pops up, I need to forgive, I dont know how to forget something so easily

but it's time to face it up and stop mourning and let this feeling haunt me for the rest of my life and affecting my relationship.

so...everytime if I am tempted to look up something I should never see again, I shall pray to Father, to keep myself away

Tough time is when one feel unsupported

Answer doesn't come instantly when I asked for it

Perhaps,even when one tells you he or she could do anything for you

I never trust those words

Humans like us, are weak when facing our environment

One could probably never understands if they never got let down by someone they trust

After these months,I understand why we ought to learn how to forgive

Those who can truly forgive are probably those who understands human's weakness

Pride, selfishness

I tried to forgive and got tired
What let this relationship happens is because of his love at presence

And I love him
Too

Yet it's so hard to say so because I know it hurts so badly when one told you they love you and then did something probs put of their control
To hurt u

If I hurt you one day then these words would become lies

I know myself nowadays that I am also a selfish person
I wasn't afraid of getting hurt because I have strong faith in my heart

Now I am afraid, terribly afraid of putting something above my priortu

Never to expect someone for u at anytime
Because it doesn't happen in reality

But I know God is
He is real

Today again
Incredibly feeling insecure

Regretted for spitting out bitter words to make myself feel better

Each time
When I am
Doing this

The inside of me seemed to lead me on to say more to destroy this relationship

I wanted to go back to the old days

The old self seemed to be stronger than I am now

I don't think I am doing fine


Feeling regretted to spit bitter words to make myself feel better


I feel regretted
The inside me seemed to lead me on to destroy this relationship

It's tough times to think I am alone

As time goes on,it gets bitter and bitter

The problem is as time goes on I began to carry this out all alone
At the beginning
I know how to share the load with God

And don't know since when
I began to do this all alone an think I can do better
Unconsciously thinking I could handle this and I can share 'other' things with him

Forgotten He is part of my life

I thought I could do this

And realized there's only so little one can do
I thought I could be tough

When I look at this relationship, how much more
Harm can I do to it?

Sometimes it almost feels like the end of it

I realized my love is conditional
And not a good example of His greatest love

When seeing the limit and the end of human's conditional love
Made me
Once again look upon His unconditional love

Our concept puts us to think that we need to have sometime to trade for love
To get in position to beloved

I am so stupid

I have accepted the greatest gift already
The greatest love of all

In days to come I got
To remind myself every so often when I started to feel weak

To remind myself once again
Who gave up His precious life for me so that however awful I feel
There is still faith hope

And love




I probably can understand

What makes me uncomfortable is knowing what he's been through but I haven't

Yet I always thought till this point,I am the only one who is still trapped

The truth is it's not just about understanding weakness
It's about forgiving even u don't understand

I tried and I get tired
Because knowing someone u love who once seemed didn't love you
Is a horrible feeling

It's might be easier to move on without this feeling

Yet what let this happens is because his love at presence

And I love him
Too

But I fear to say this out often
C

sensitive

it's a sensitive timing,

sensitive place

Sensitive old passages of blogs

I dislike that place
I dislike the smell,the touch everything

I dislike Cheung jau,
I dislike central that closed bar

I dislike empty words

I dislike you pulling me to the place that left me a huge scar in my life
If taking me back to that place is for your convenience,for u to work smoothly

I don't know anymore what I mean to you

You said you care about all sort of little things

I am sorry

You don't know me,you just don't
Perhaps now,you won't even remember te existence of this blog

You aren't the you in march.


We both changed

Not sure,

If

For good

Releasing

It feels so good to be back in close relationship with God.

Though at the beginning, I almost felt leading worship and bible study could be a burden.
I didnt know how to squeeze anymore time out of such tight schedules,
but God you really are amazing, there are only so much we could do but you made us complete, made us as a whole.

As I read more about Jonah, the sharing time with my dear Sis Tracy, and the practice worship time with the brothers and sisters, God I see how you want us to build this close fellowship with each other, by encouraging and praying for each other, in your name.

I am glad and grateful that I could be part of your great plan Lord.
At certain points, I have doubts whether I could really lead the bible study when I physically havent sorted out my problems yet.

At first, I only see the connection of how Jonah and I were both rebellious against your decision.
I didnt understand how You could have compassion on those who doesnt even respect or treasure your grace.
I hated it that God you love those people I hated,
those who I thought took away my happiness forever

But you reminded me such valuable message, more important than the school work that I worried about, is the personal problems which I have been dealing with since so long ago.

From back than I decided to forgive, to struggling about not able to forgive and
I focus on the things I cared most. I see purity as something physical, but God you have compassion on those who turned away from sins, and changes in their life.

I proudly thought I am the one who got hurt, got scared.
But I was the one who didnt have compassion, not even for the one I thought I love.
I thought I love him
I thought I know what is best for him
I thought I do anything to meet what I considered to be perfect.

Yet you reminded me, I am also the one who needs to be forgiven, upon all the horrible words I ever spitted on people

Even I thought I am not the qualified one, you need not to use me, but you still willing to let me experience all these so I can come back to you.

Father, I laid on my bed once again, thought about the hard times when I woke up in mid-nights, in tears, at those time, even I was alone, I knew you were with me, I felt your arms embraced me.

So because I am already previledged to have your love, and you showed me eternity, faith, hope and love
I asked myself today, am I willing to take my things that could hurt me?

I couldnt help but tears already filled up my eyes
Father if only again, because you are with me, the pain that are yet to come, I am willing to take them all because I have you. If taking the pain means bringing blessings to the others , then please do so.

God, the tears I had ,each drop represented the very deep regret from the bottom of my heart
regretted I didnt love people like the way you do
yet they were joyful tears as God you brought me through all these and now I stand before you with the ones I love.

Lord, I am willing to wait, in order to be restored.
I once only cared about how to not forgive people easily, how to achieve the "fairness"
I focused on school work, I prayed for u to physically solve my problems.

But you know me so well, those problems are not the fundamental things I need to be healed.
It's myself, the pride, the grief, the hatre I had for a stranger
The blames I had on my currently loved one

Thank you today you took me to release all these in front of you
and Lord, I pray today,

Be patient, be wise
Be close to you
be faithful, be hopeful
and most importantly, be a loving person

that's meaning more than I think it is.

Father, thank you, for all the things I have, not because I am righteous cos I am not
yet you are Love.

life can be quite shattered apart when you no longer have faith

and i see mine is cracking unconsciously every sec ticking by

so it is then, another month is gone by

Not so easily to be forgiven and certainly not so easily to be forgotten

It's again one of those moments

I really start to think I should have already got used to it
It's bothering me

I don't understand,the more you love,the more forgiving you can be
The more you hate, the less forgiving one can be

It doesnt make sense now when I find it harder and harder to forgive when I m more in love
I wish someone could take my memory away

I wish I can start things over
It's frustrating when I believe I should be living free of the restrictions and value what god values

What people seems to concern or value bring constraints,
It either puts you in situation that u see no values in yourself compares to the others
It gives you doubts

The moment not sure how to deal with the pain,
I prayEd,

I miss year 1
Missing those times when both Of us so innocent
When we have so clear goals in mind

Pure Love and holiness

That's what we are after

But once I finally met my first love
The reality makes me feel
The feeling is not purely love
It comes with a mixture of things which I don't like
Including pride, jealousy, selfishness

After nearly a year now
I havent been able to completely forgive and forget what happened between the two

And

I havent been able to forgive myself of no bein able to let these go
Can't forgivE myself not able tO do what I hav promised god
Not able to forgive me not bEing able to glorify him

I am constantly living and loving with fear
That onE day; these feelings these actions
Will separate us, forever

It's true
Sins separate all relationship
That's why Jesus died for us to show the unconditional love

I really do understand
But god? This is my struggle more than anything else
There Are always problems hidden that doesn't want to be touched
Cos knowing once touched will cause another argument
We flight

It's my first time witnessing people getting baptized after my baptism half an year ago.
Those familiar faces with peace and joy on their faces reminded that good times in April.

SEEC sharings, testimony, calling,getting baptized
I had the same facial expression like anyone of them today.

Seeing a 14 year old teen declaring his faith on front if everyone, admitting all the wrongs and ignorance. I envy him.

Hearing testimonies of those laid their past before God, I envy them.

I looked at the cross, light streaming through casting a bright cross on the carpet.
Heart suddenly in deep pain

Keeping myself busy and tired could help myself to lock the memories away.
But nothing could be hidden before the cross

I surrendered.

Flash back of memories is bearable
Flash back of emotions is heart breakingly painful

At least having working to control myself, memories are facts, they are history
Yet the feelings I had, I could still feel it

Re-grasping those breathless moments
At the admiralty platform..
On the bench near home, my Sony ericsson phone boiling against my ear
On the path at victoria park
The bench at time sqaure

On the cx plane covering half of my face with the duvet, burying into the pillow using all energy to not make a sound when all light is out during the journey

On the coach leaning in the icy cold window, avoiding catchin Sally's attention
Back at no.48, first time bursting into tears in front if my beat friend after knowing her for
More than a year

Nights of waking up before the sun rise, staring into nothing

I had those moments, yet remembering the first Sunday service at st.barts, when tears of relief (not sadness) began to stream down the face when the song king if kings majesty was sung.

Remembering the lyrics of 'all within me cries out in praise'
I knew God is with me, even it means of going through the tough times

I lived those days with joy abd faith
Past does not affect me, as long as my faith going stronger and rooted

Today I looked at myself

Everything has changed
I speak harsh words, I am easily angered, easily envy the others
I thought of myself standing in the same place a couple months ago
Smiling, holding bunches of flowers in my hands, receiving supports and blessings from my brothers sisters and friends

It seemed so long ago
Where have I been?

That me may deserve all the love from the others
Now

What's happening ?
Why is it so fruatrating?

I saw them gleaming in joy in being together
But is it my problem then that I can't see any good changes in myself

Or even happiness?

Why those could easily search for happiness
And leaving a long term pain for another?

Mum you said I had a choice
Jess you told me to be good to myself and don't think of things that had hurt you

It's me putting salt onto the wounds
I didn't let god heal it
Because I hadn't been able to forgive co pletely of what she and he did

I dont want to be healed,
As it is too much to touch on it and face it

Saying bad things to you didn't make me feel better
But I feel secure to shield up

I miss myself too but perhaps it's me who murdered her
So that I am protected

When I reached this point , I already can't see what's before me

What seems so easy for other people
Is the hardest thing for me

When I begin to realize there are stories behind each faces
Why making life so unhappy?
Is this a genetic thing,

But mum said this makes one tougher

Take everything Away

Take everything away
Take my memory
Take my emotions

Take my energy away

Sometimes I feel that my brain is enemy
Sometimes I wish I am a different person with different ways of thinking

From so long ago I have been praying I could see things in new way,live a different way.

Because I am exhausted of being who I am
Dreams and sleep are my temporary shelter

No matter how rebellious I feel, I still have to get up and knowing life still goes on
And honestly, I don't like the rule
Don't think I will make it there

Perhaps it's the other way round

Recently couldnt get the idea out of my mind :s

What if it was me causing people unhappiness

what if it's me?

Can physical contacts be absent in a relationship?

If so, does that mean there is no sparks?

How does one know it is really love, but not any other reason?

There are so many things I dont understand

and not knowing what to do

not knowing, 

is frustrating.

focus

focusing on the others made time flies faster

made me less focus on my own things
made me less concerned

is this why i like focusing on other people just hoping time goes a little faster so i dont have to spend too much energy to think about my own matter?
it's exhausting and painful to look at my own things

perhaps helping the others made myself see my own values more
and this is the way ive been living till now.

each words of anger  are like sharp spikes,
love is not like this isnt it?

out accusing each other, to bring sense of victory and satisfications
and ending up with wounds that are still bleeding.

is it me who doesnt want to be healed? so I dont deserved to be healed?
When I truly pray to be healed, why do I still feel the pain and anger inside me?

if other people can get my focus away and let time goes a little faster, to me, my life is a little easier.