Waiting. Snow

Finally, Crit is done for the year.
Second year will soon be over, a new chapter shall begin, nightmare of FINDING a placement. hmm should be ok I guess, things usually turn out ok so best to stay positive at this stage and really looking forward to family time in xmas :D

I used to mind about the Crit alot, seriously now thinking back, architecture is a life-long experience, that 20/30mins Crit shouldnt affect my passion at all. In fact, it's good this time they criticise it, making me realise how  eager i was to defend my design.

As Dyfed has said 'You dont change your entire design to avoid the problem, you keep it and you deal with it until you find the solution"

I know I have not done well enough, but even I have done better, probably would never have been satisfied. That's why all nighters always happen.

And only through this, I enjoy the freedom more. It't not that you cant have a life being an architectural student, in fact, you feel much more alive after working very hard on something you passionate about, then you treasure that break more than anything else.

That's how i felt then, with Beta and Helen. Sometimes it bothers me that it seems i never had the time to spend with them even simply just for a cup of tea. After spending a whole day together, well probably the best time i had with them during this second year semester.

As, for the last day of semester of 2010, the snow was just extraa prweettty :)
For the first time, holding hands was something I once dreamt of
It was cold and
It was warm.

Ive been subconsciously thinking that I am in deep trouble
as trying as hard as I can to preserve this feeling, to conserve myself away because I simply felt it does not belong to me.

I began to confuse with that voice rising inside me
When I pray, that if it does not belong to me, take my feelings away please
Yet, I started to not behaving like myself. If this feeling is getting deeper, is this my will? or in Christ's will.

You gave me freedom yet I cannot make the decision

Simply because

I am afraid.

If I cant make the decision, I ask God now what do you actually want me to do
If I decide to go for it, I have doubts in myself of how stable I can maintain the relationship with God

But one thing I know is, God you told me to wait, and I know

I am not waiting alone

a day for 34 hours

It feels quite good to be workaholic, havent had such feelings for a long time

Leaving on Monday morning, closing the front door behind me, thinking in my mind that "I wont be back till I've done some work"

Got a picture in my mind that it would probably either very late at night or the next day.

Funny thing was, Josh said in the studio "wont go home till get some shit done"
When I see other people being so determined, feeling quite motivated too myself, cos I wont be working alone.

Sitting there from 11 in the morning, till the night...struggling through all sorts of ideas and thoughts
coming up with something thats been resolved again and again

In the morning, gathering work, printing stuff off, re-organising the work, feeling rather satisfied and awake than ever.

Tutorials lasted for a day and almost felt like had the longest day ever. At one point my heart was beating so fast that I thought I might collapse any minute, probably due to the caffeine. (not the excitement for tutor's comments)

I learnt one important thing: never drink coffee after having all nighters

On the way home around 5 pm, that felt weird, finally going home! even last year, my home was on campus
32 hours collapsed in bed and had the longest sleep

it felt great.

was once anxious when i felt i lost the passion

but now, I found it back.

BCCF worship practice

A warm hearting worship experience with my BCCF group:


Many thanks to Cyrus who brought this touching song up,
Feel the very stong bond and connection, that God makes us unite through music, through brothers and sisters' love.


My prayer: 


I once disapproved your love God. I wanted to lead my own way and not realising that you have led me all the way. 


I used to live under a lot of constraints, family, study, friendship, past and future...
One day, I experienced what love is, when I see how my brother, bow before you. Selfless love, I know that is what I have been looking for all the way.


I believe in your everlasting love, so I
lay everything down before you now.
Forgive my arrogance, forgive my dishonesty


was once lost and I am found.
You will walk with me until the end of time


Heavenly father, through all these people, you told me what it is to be strong. You reminded me that I am loved too. This is not because of me, it is because of you Lord. You are telling me how much you love me through them. I am sorry I lost faith in you at times.


Being a Christian gives me real freedom, a true vision in how to love someone selflessly.
To me, it is not constraints. All the constraints I had, you embraced it all with your love.


So I just want to say:


"Lord, I offer my Life to you"


All that I am, all that I have
I lay them down before you O Lord
All my regrets, all my acclaim
The joy and the pain, I'm making them yours

Lord I offer my life to You
Everything I've been through
Use it for your glory
Lord I offer my days to You
Lifting my praise to You
As a pleasing sacrifice
Lord I offer You my life

Things in the past, things yet unseen
Wishes and dreams that are yet to come true
All of my hopes, all of my plans
My heart and my hands are lifted to You.




P.S: Tracy Shum, you meant a lot to me


You are a true blessing, a gift from God.
You are genuine, you are kind-hearted. My be-loved sister, we will walk together 
like that day we held hands and prayed
The tears I shed was not of sorrow, but of joy and gratefulness.


I feel I am alive, for being able to experience everything we have been through together.
and learning to love, to care, to forgive.


SEEC 2011, ga yau!!!!!
P.S2: I am NOT writing chinese again cos you will surely laugh at me again ;p

Excuses and Reasons

Sometimes I get confused between "Excuses" or "Reasons"

Most of the time, I have a lot of reasons behind the decisions made.
At times, I made a lot of excuses for myself too.

If I have to describe that particular moment of the day, it would be 心力交碎
The awkwardness is uncomforting.


If I could, I wish I could swim all day long, not having to hear all those things undesirable.
Not having to see things that I dont even wana have a glance upon.


Today reminds me of one of those days, where I would probably stuck my head into the sinkful of water, cried as crazy as I wanted to and not having to feel those tears streaming down the face.


There are words I cannot express it out.


Gratefully, the joyful moment of sharing the cake with Helen and Elisabeta really had brightened up my day.
Surely, that encouraging text really meant a lot to me.


I never really expected any rewards


The worship practices also meant a lot to me today
Seeing the brothers and sisters, i could always put those feelings away, when we can focus to sing and praise God together. 


In a lot of way, God, I thank you, today, for saving me, at least twice.


I am not even gona shed a drop of tear, it simply does not worth it.

Dilemma

If I begin to lose myself, please pull me back

If I begin to lie, please spot on

If I begin to smile, smile with me

Just like the good old times

Bother and Burden, I pray to share this all with Jesus

Dedicated to my dear friend

I once thought friends are ones you hang out with, having fun with etc

But there is a difference, between a buddy and a friend.

Even though, I thought I am cold hearted at most times, I am confident in controlling my feelings.

I have been thinking about you the whole day my friend.
The word  'sorry' has cut my heart too, when I know I couldnt be physically there for you.

I should be saying sorry.
I could have stopped the pain you are going through right now but I hadnt.

My friend I hope you will stop shedding your precious tears because it's a pain not seeing you crying when I know you are

crying alone.

I am here waiting, whenever you need me, I will be here.

It's painful as I know I havent been through your pain,
It's painful when I know I couldnt physically understand how painful you are.

It's painful seeing you, being not like you.

My dear friend,
let God heal your wounds, you are holding on to your memories because you dont want to let go of it. It is hard to, you not letting go because admitt it, you love him.

Those memories were too short and sweet, and you would rather live in those memories than being in the present?

what could I possibly do, to share even just 1% of your pain?
What can I do to make you smile like an angel like you always do?

I dont want to be upset because I know you dont want to get people involved.
But allow me, my friend, because in this way I could feel I am connected to you.

If I get used to be dependent, it's gona weaken what Ive tried to build up so far.
It feels secure to hand everything to God because he is the trustworthy one, human always so unexpectable.

gotta be strong