Releasing

It feels so good to be back in close relationship with God.

Though at the beginning, I almost felt leading worship and bible study could be a burden.
I didnt know how to squeeze anymore time out of such tight schedules,
but God you really are amazing, there are only so much we could do but you made us complete, made us as a whole.

As I read more about Jonah, the sharing time with my dear Sis Tracy, and the practice worship time with the brothers and sisters, God I see how you want us to build this close fellowship with each other, by encouraging and praying for each other, in your name.

I am glad and grateful that I could be part of your great plan Lord.
At certain points, I have doubts whether I could really lead the bible study when I physically havent sorted out my problems yet.

At first, I only see the connection of how Jonah and I were both rebellious against your decision.
I didnt understand how You could have compassion on those who doesnt even respect or treasure your grace.
I hated it that God you love those people I hated,
those who I thought took away my happiness forever

But you reminded me such valuable message, more important than the school work that I worried about, is the personal problems which I have been dealing with since so long ago.

From back than I decided to forgive, to struggling about not able to forgive and
I focus on the things I cared most. I see purity as something physical, but God you have compassion on those who turned away from sins, and changes in their life.

I proudly thought I am the one who got hurt, got scared.
But I was the one who didnt have compassion, not even for the one I thought I love.
I thought I love him
I thought I know what is best for him
I thought I do anything to meet what I considered to be perfect.

Yet you reminded me, I am also the one who needs to be forgiven, upon all the horrible words I ever spitted on people

Even I thought I am not the qualified one, you need not to use me, but you still willing to let me experience all these so I can come back to you.

Father, I laid on my bed once again, thought about the hard times when I woke up in mid-nights, in tears, at those time, even I was alone, I knew you were with me, I felt your arms embraced me.

So because I am already previledged to have your love, and you showed me eternity, faith, hope and love
I asked myself today, am I willing to take my things that could hurt me?

I couldnt help but tears already filled up my eyes
Father if only again, because you are with me, the pain that are yet to come, I am willing to take them all because I have you. If taking the pain means bringing blessings to the others , then please do so.

God, the tears I had ,each drop represented the very deep regret from the bottom of my heart
regretted I didnt love people like the way you do
yet they were joyful tears as God you brought me through all these and now I stand before you with the ones I love.

Lord, I am willing to wait, in order to be restored.
I once only cared about how to not forgive people easily, how to achieve the "fairness"
I focused on school work, I prayed for u to physically solve my problems.

But you know me so well, those problems are not the fundamental things I need to be healed.
It's myself, the pride, the grief, the hatre I had for a stranger
The blames I had on my currently loved one

Thank you today you took me to release all these in front of you
and Lord, I pray today,

Be patient, be wise
Be close to you
be faithful, be hopeful
and most importantly, be a loving person

that's meaning more than I think it is.

Father, thank you, for all the things I have, not because I am righteous cos I am not
yet you are Love.

life can be quite shattered apart when you no longer have faith

and i see mine is cracking unconsciously every sec ticking by

so it is then, another month is gone by

Not so easily to be forgiven and certainly not so easily to be forgotten

It's again one of those moments

I really start to think I should have already got used to it
It's bothering me

I don't understand,the more you love,the more forgiving you can be
The more you hate, the less forgiving one can be

It doesnt make sense now when I find it harder and harder to forgive when I m more in love
I wish someone could take my memory away

I wish I can start things over
It's frustrating when I believe I should be living free of the restrictions and value what god values

What people seems to concern or value bring constraints,
It either puts you in situation that u see no values in yourself compares to the others
It gives you doubts

The moment not sure how to deal with the pain,
I prayEd,

I miss year 1
Missing those times when both Of us so innocent
When we have so clear goals in mind

Pure Love and holiness

That's what we are after

But once I finally met my first love
The reality makes me feel
The feeling is not purely love
It comes with a mixture of things which I don't like
Including pride, jealousy, selfishness

After nearly a year now
I havent been able to completely forgive and forget what happened between the two

And

I havent been able to forgive myself of no bein able to let these go
Can't forgivE myself not able tO do what I hav promised god
Not able to forgive me not bEing able to glorify him

I am constantly living and loving with fear
That onE day; these feelings these actions
Will separate us, forever

It's true
Sins separate all relationship
That's why Jesus died for us to show the unconditional love

I really do understand
But god? This is my struggle more than anything else
There Are always problems hidden that doesn't want to be touched
Cos knowing once touched will cause another argument
We flight

It's my first time witnessing people getting baptized after my baptism half an year ago.
Those familiar faces with peace and joy on their faces reminded that good times in April.

SEEC sharings, testimony, calling,getting baptized
I had the same facial expression like anyone of them today.

Seeing a 14 year old teen declaring his faith on front if everyone, admitting all the wrongs and ignorance. I envy him.

Hearing testimonies of those laid their past before God, I envy them.

I looked at the cross, light streaming through casting a bright cross on the carpet.
Heart suddenly in deep pain

Keeping myself busy and tired could help myself to lock the memories away.
But nothing could be hidden before the cross

I surrendered.

Flash back of memories is bearable
Flash back of emotions is heart breakingly painful

At least having working to control myself, memories are facts, they are history
Yet the feelings I had, I could still feel it

Re-grasping those breathless moments
At the admiralty platform..
On the bench near home, my Sony ericsson phone boiling against my ear
On the path at victoria park
The bench at time sqaure

On the cx plane covering half of my face with the duvet, burying into the pillow using all energy to not make a sound when all light is out during the journey

On the coach leaning in the icy cold window, avoiding catchin Sally's attention
Back at no.48, first time bursting into tears in front if my beat friend after knowing her for
More than a year

Nights of waking up before the sun rise, staring into nothing

I had those moments, yet remembering the first Sunday service at st.barts, when tears of relief (not sadness) began to stream down the face when the song king if kings majesty was sung.

Remembering the lyrics of 'all within me cries out in praise'
I knew God is with me, even it means of going through the tough times

I lived those days with joy abd faith
Past does not affect me, as long as my faith going stronger and rooted

Today I looked at myself

Everything has changed
I speak harsh words, I am easily angered, easily envy the others
I thought of myself standing in the same place a couple months ago
Smiling, holding bunches of flowers in my hands, receiving supports and blessings from my brothers sisters and friends

It seemed so long ago
Where have I been?

That me may deserve all the love from the others
Now

What's happening ?
Why is it so fruatrating?

I saw them gleaming in joy in being together
But is it my problem then that I can't see any good changes in myself

Or even happiness?

Why those could easily search for happiness
And leaving a long term pain for another?

Mum you said I had a choice
Jess you told me to be good to myself and don't think of things that had hurt you

It's me putting salt onto the wounds
I didn't let god heal it
Because I hadn't been able to forgive co pletely of what she and he did

I dont want to be healed,
As it is too much to touch on it and face it

Saying bad things to you didn't make me feel better
But I feel secure to shield up

I miss myself too but perhaps it's me who murdered her
So that I am protected

When I reached this point , I already can't see what's before me

What seems so easy for other people
Is the hardest thing for me

When I begin to realize there are stories behind each faces
Why making life so unhappy?
Is this a genetic thing,

But mum said this makes one tougher

Take everything Away

Take everything away
Take my memory
Take my emotions

Take my energy away

Sometimes I feel that my brain is enemy
Sometimes I wish I am a different person with different ways of thinking

From so long ago I have been praying I could see things in new way,live a different way.

Because I am exhausted of being who I am
Dreams and sleep are my temporary shelter

No matter how rebellious I feel, I still have to get up and knowing life still goes on
And honestly, I don't like the rule
Don't think I will make it there

Perhaps it's the other way round

Recently couldnt get the idea out of my mind :s

What if it was me causing people unhappiness

what if it's me?

Can physical contacts be absent in a relationship?

If so, does that mean there is no sparks?

How does one know it is really love, but not any other reason?

There are so many things I dont understand

and not knowing what to do

not knowing, 

is frustrating.